Welcome to Part III of What’s Eating Malik. You can view Part I and Part II. If you are reading this you are probably asking, “Who are you to give a blog on relationships?” To be honest, I asked myself the same thing, but why not? The things you hear in this post, you will not hear anywhere else. This is the only post that’s apart of the What’s Eating Malik series that won’t cite supporting quotes from books, articles, notes, etc. on the behavioral/character dysfunctions that I talk about. Why? Because there is no book that will provide the silver bullet on a happy relationship. I will cite historical facts, but that’s it. It’s a case by case basis and this post is about my own personal experiences in relationships. Currently I am happily married and have been married for a little bit over a year. I’ve known my wife since 2003. Of course she wasn’t my wife then and was just a friend who I talked to from time to time.

1. I’m really tired of seeing so many people in unhappy relationships and not changing their behavior, then wondering why their relationships are still sour.
2. I have given a lot of advice on relationships in the past (including today) and wanted to summarize all my relationship research, personal experiences and the experiences of others.
3. You might not agree with everything I have to say, but you will re-think a lot of what you thought was the “norms” of your relationship. I was “Jonesed” for a while in my past relationships, but then had the sense to change my behavior which I think was one of the reasons why I was able to find my wife. Of course, all praises to Allah for his guidance.

Okay, so let’s just get right into it. Keep in mind that this post is for people who are looking to get married and who are already married. When I say relationship, that’s what I’m referring to. I’m going to cover a couple of different topics that are related to behavior, character and following questionable traditions. These are the three areas of a relationship that usually undermine most relationships. If you cannot correct these three areas, then the whole entire relationship falls apart. These behaviors cover men and women. They are NOT gender specific.

Let’s cover the first part:
I. Having an arrogant character

By far one of the most destructive traits that any human being can have, but is often fused into the relationship when it comes to getting married and during marriage. I’m going to spend a lot of time in this section, because there are so many acts that are related to this. This character trait usually results in the person setting unrealistic expectations coupled with a bullet-proof superiority complex. You could give this person a galaxy, and they would ask for the universe, give this person a universe and then they’ll ask you if you can provide them with their own version of the Big Bang. It never ends, and trust me, it never ends. Just like the universe, their level of self entitlement keeps growing. Just when you thought you’ve provided complete happiness, they’ll bump it up a notch. It’s a losing battle and best to move on if you find yourself in any of these situations.

Now in the past I’ve met a lot of arrogant women, but they actually don’t think they are arrogant. And I know a lot of women who have told me their escapades with arrogant men. Here are some of the levels of arrogance.

1. Beauty/handsome arroganceThis type of arrogance is really hard to correct, because society has built up this person’s ego to the point where they feel they have the right to be unreasonable because they are deemed more attractive than the average person. It’s awful because society, peers, acquaintances, strangers, and even co-workers play right into their game. They know they can get away with being unreasonable because of their beauty/handsomeness, so they use it as tool for power and control. Now keep in mind that there are different types of beauty/handsome arrogance. Some are body-type and/or face arrogance. There is also intra-racial beauty arrogance. Sometimes a person within a particular race has a unique trait. Because of this unique trait, they sometimes are loved or resented. Skin color, eye color, hair texture, and body-type all fall into the category of beauty/handsome arrogance.
   In some instances, lighter skinned vs dark skinned, wide nose vs thinner nose, woolly textured hair vs straight hair, wide hips vs small hips, heavy set vs slim. In the end, its ridiculous set of superficial circumstances to gauge the character of a person.

   I want to take a moment to really zero in the last set of sentences that I just wrote because I see it as a problem for many. By far the top characteristics that get a lot of attention is skin color and hair texture. I’m not going to specifically call out any culture or race, but whoever you are and wherever you may be in the world, listen up:

   STOP USING HOW LIGHT OR DARK SKINNED SOMEONE’S SKIN COLOR APPEARS AND WHETHER THEIR HAIR IS STRAIGHT OR NOT WHILE USING IT AS SOME TYPE OF EXCLUSIVE SUPERIOR BEAUTY CRITERIA

   Now why do I say this? Because to this day, people in the United States of America and around the world continue to gauge a lighter skinned person more beautiful than a darker skinned person. I want to list specific countries, but I don’t want to offend anyone. Put it this way, if you live or are from any country that resides in any of the 7 continents, then it’s happening in your country or your culture. To be honest, it infuriates me so much that people use terms like “fair” skin, not seeing the repressed self hate behind what they are saying. This link explains it perfectly:

   Fair Skin = Desirable
   http://innerreflectionstranscribed.wordpress.com…

   You know who you are. The bottom line: STOP IT. Stop denying that you are doing it and you should say something whenever associates, especially close friends or family uses skin color without considering the content of someone’s character first. You are just perpetuating self hate and ostracizing the darker skinned people in your race and other races. They are just as beautiful and marriageable as anyone else. Don’t let skin color and hair texture come between you marrying a great person. Now keep in mind that this I don’t have some vendetta against lighter skinned individuals. I would be a hypocrite if I felt that way. My issue is the exclusivity that is sometimes given to lighter-skinned individuals that is allowed to flourish with the different races around the world. I met my wife online, and I didn’t even know what she looked liked until 6 months later.

   Some people might be reading this, and thinking it’s absurd or don’t really understand what I’m talking about. If you feel confused or astonished, then send me an email and I’ll explain the history of self-hate, how it started, and how it’s connected to race. I’m not going to put my email on here because I will get spammed so just go to facebook and search for Malik Abdul Rasheed. Send me your phone number or I can send mine and we should be able to cover this in three 1 hour sessions. If you don’t have a Facebook account, not a problem. I’m sure you have a friend that has a Facebook account and then they can send me an email on behalf of you. I’m very friendly and cuddly. I’m not going to berate you or get mad at you for not knowing or being aware of this. Truthfully I just want people to be informed.

   Also in this category is, “I was considered ugly/poor and/or nerd by my peers when I was younger and now I’m considered beautiful/handsome/rich/successful” arrogance. You have to be very careful with the people who fall into this category. Let’s be honest, teenagers can be mean and brutally honest. During our adolescent years we don’t know how we are going to develop and look. Sometimes we blossom late and like the ugly duckling we turn into a swan after. The problem with people who fall into category is, they cannot get over the people who doubted them, made fun of them, or neglected them in the past. Now they have to prove something and proving something means they will be a tyrant to their spouse and the world around them. They can’t come to the simple conclusion that some people are flawed and superficial and no matter how much respect you show them, they’ll stomp on your heart and make your life miserable. For these people, it’s payback forever and until the world bows to their feet, they will never get over it.

2. I have an advanced degree arroganceBy far, one of the most bizarre forms of arrogance, but the root of this arrogance is this person believes that that their degree makes them smarter than you or gives them a higher status in society. Even if you have the same level of education, for some reason they believe that their degree is better than yours. If you have a lower degree than them, get ready for demeaning, condescending, and passive aggressive remarks that all relate to how unintelligent they think you are. In today’s society, people put too much emphasis on degrees. I have met people with degrees higher and lower than mine and it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the mind. If you have an advanced degree, that’s great. Just be happy that you got an education and be humble about it. No one cares that you went to this or that school. Whether you have a higher education or not, if you have bad character, you could seriously put in jeopardy the human balance in your relationship.
3. I had a hard life but I made it arroganceNow if you grew up with hard life and had a whole bunch of awful things happen to you, shouldn’t you be happy that you survived the turmoil? For some reason, these individuals have to toot their own horn 24/7 about how they got out of this or that situation. Now if you didn’t have it as hard, get ready for deep repressed rage and jealousy because you might have had it easier. Now you must pay for their pain. When I say “pay”, I’m not necessarily talking about money. You’ll have to pay in meeting their unrealistic expectations and you will never hear the end of it. This also falls into the category of “victimization arrogance”

   On the opposite side is “I had a hard life and life is still tough for me arrogance”. I actually don’t have an answer for this situation other than I hope that life gets easier for this person and he or she can find it in their heart to use their hardships as a lesson to turn their life around. There are no easy answers. When life tests us, we will either fold or persevere. I have the most sympathy for people in this situation, but being arrogant is not the answer. At the same time, I have been graced with so many blessings (which I’m so grateful of), so what do I know. Patiently persevere, remain on the straight path, be hopeful, and keep striving.

4. Fashion arroganceI’m not exactly sure why, but for some odd reason, people actually believe that dressing in expensive or trendy clothing is actually an asset. Keep in mind that clothing is a depreciating asset, so I’m not exactly sure why anyone would expend thousands and thousands on clothing that goes down in value. As if I should respect you more because you have the latest fashions off the rack. I have encountered numerous people who have somehow brainwashed themselves into believing that dressing like Hollywood actors/actresses, entertainers, following the trends of models means that I’m owed more respect. Let’s be clear, stained pieces of leather and cotton with pagan symbols on it does not mean anything. Many people have bought into the so-called “status” that comes with being perceived as someone who dresses in the latest fashions. Now I’m not saying that dressing in the latest fashions is a problem, NO of course not. It’s the attitude that comes with the clothing that you need to drop. Fashion arrogance’s closest cousin is “I have money or I look like I have wealth” arrogance which I explain below. If you have good fashion sense, great, but this exclusivity you think comes with your clothing is imagined.
5. My race, nationality or tribe is superior arroganceSome people obsess over nationality and the history of their ancestors or tribe at a dysfunctional pace. It’s nice to reflect on the achievements and greatness of your past, but keep it in the past. In many instances there are actions that our ancestors did, that have transformed the life that we live today which makes us feel proud, knowing we are tied to that greatness. Be very careful, because there is thin line between inner pride and prideful arrogance. When I say prideful arrogance, there is this tendency for people to believe that there race, nationality, or tribe is better than another race, nationality or tribe. Basically they act out this inner pride in select circumstances and situations. This “acting out” can happen anywhere, the way they practice religion, how they treat members in the family, friends, work associates and obviously their marriage
6. I had bad relationships in the past therefore I’m going to compare you to my past relationships arroganceThis is really simple. If you are going to live in the past, then your current relationships will share the same level of insecurity and failure that you had in the past. Both men and women are guilty of this. I just don’t understand why a person would compare apples to oranges. If you have someone that has a different character and behavior, why hold him or her to a standard that existed for someone else?
7. I have a prestigious job arroganceAlthough somewhat related to “I have money” arrogance, it’s a little bit different. This type of person lives for the status and wealth that their job provides. All they talk about is their job and how much money they make. They enjoy the exclusive lunches with executives and the movers/shakers in their respective industry. It will take them less than 1/100th of a millisecond to start blabbing how they had to fly to this and that country for a business trip. They won’t say it, but anyone who has a lower pay than them is seen as a serf. Their nose is so high in the air that airplanes will clip their noses as they come in for a landing.
8. I’m friends and/or associated with people who are wealth/famous arroganceAnother word for this is “coat-tail” arrogance. For some strange reason these people feel they are important because they might know someone famous or hangout with other people who are wealthy or famous. Now keep in mind that these “coat-tailers” don’t necessarily have to have any wealth or fame, but they live vicariously through their wealthy/ famous friends/acquaintances. Now if you don’t live up to the standard of their acquaintances, you get the passive aggressive, “Uh why can’t you be like _____________” or “You should do stuff more like ____________”. This type of arrogance usually morphs itself into “I don’t have money but I’m going to look like I do” arrogance.
9. I can change him or her arroganceBy far, one of the most stubborn forms of arrogance. The root cause of this arrogance usually stems from “I think I’m smarter than you or I have a better way that you can be” arrogance. Basically who you are and how you behave is seen as something that needs refining. Now it doesn’t necessarily matter whether their constructive criticism is valid or not. As long as they think you should change, then you should change. Once again, be very weary of people like this. Let’s be clear, you can’t change the behavioral foundation of a person, unless they want to change. If you don’t like the general behavior of a person, then why are you with them? Once you make the choice to marry someone, it’s only right that you respect them. Who made you judge and jury anyway?
10. I think I’m smarter than you arroganceAlthough this is somewhat related to the “I have an advanced degree” arrogance, I decided to separate this out, because this type of arrogance is based on a set of criteria that has absolutely nothing to do with reason and more to do with personal opinion. Irrespective of facts, this person feels that they are smarter than you and will demean you at home, in public, in front of family just to show how smart he or she thinks they are. In many instances this person is devoid of logic and reason. As long as he or she feels they are right, then they are right. If you tell them that 1 + 1 = 2, they’ll say, No, 1 + 1 = 4, because if you count the 2 lines that make up the plus sign (+), then that equals 4. Regardless of the topic, whether it’s politics, social issues, family matters, child rearing, etc they always think they are right. You’d be better off trying to figure out how a black hole is created, than trying to figure out why they think so illogically.
11. I have money or I look like I have wealth arroganceI saved this one for last, because material arrogance supersedes all other forms of arrogance. When a person takes on this type of arrogance get ready for plantation treatment. He or she is nobility and you are the serf. Because this person appears to be financially empowered he or she will remind you constantly on how poor you are. Things like, “Hey why don’t we do _____________ or why can’t we do _____________ or why can’t we buy _____________”. Now either you will be forced to stretch what little money you have to meet their unrealistic life style demands or go into bankruptcy. Now clearly this person has more money than you, so obviously he or she would pay a larger portion of the bills than you. Nevertheless you are caught in this rich vs poor passive aggressive behavior in your relationship. This arrogance is the epitome of “Jonesing”. It’s all about their lifestyle, material assets, and how good both of you look together. You’ll have a never ending list of material goals that you’ll have to eclipse every year. Credit cards will be maxed out, living check to check, no cash in the bank with a net worth in the negative. This person is a cash destroyer and doesn’t believe in saving for a rainy day or being modest. For them saving for a rainy day is buying a $300 dollar umbrella. This is also related to “Material things makes me think I’m better than you” arrogance. Typically they lust after the so-called “finer” things in life like exclusive neighborhood, expensive watches, digital devices, exotic getaways on some far off island. If they don’t own or can do any of these things, inside their minds they are constantly lusting after these things. Also keep in mind that people who fall into this category are not always cash rich or are actually wealthy. In many instances, they actually look like they have a lot of money, but a lot of their purchases are bought on debt and they are cash poor.

Below is an animated chart that shows the relationship between arrogance and unrealistic expectations:

II. Why am I participating in these traditions?

If you thought the above was controversial, then you haven’t seen anything yet. By far, this section is the more debatable part of this post. Some will accuse me of gender bias, but for those who know me personally, know that I’m the last person to fall into this category. My wife Sarah will provide her opinion on the topic in this section so we can get a woman’s point of view. I’m probably the only man on the planet, other than Tom Leykis that is diametrically opposed to the following traditions, but here goes:

1. Valentine’s DayBy far the most hated, dreaded and feared day for hundreds of millions of young adult men around the world. I’ll never forget the first time I was indoctrinated with this pagan tradition. It usually starts out around kindergarten during an innocent class project where you create little valentines cards then give them to your classmates. For some daring students, they might give each other plastic flowers. Maybe we were even tasked to create a little Valentine’s Day card for our mother and father. We bring these little crayola stained pieces of construction paper home for our parents and there are instant smiles from ear to ear. Awww..how cute.

   As the grades go by, and we enter into adulthood, somehow the stakes start getting a lot higher. The construction paper made card has now transformed to $5 dollar hallmark cards. The plastic flowers have now transformed to $100-$200 dollar roses. The McDonalds meal for 2 has now transformed to expensive dinners, and so on and so forth. Expensive gift exchanges for the so-called “sake of love”. The amazing part about this whole entire charade is not once, and I do mean this literally, once did any person ever ask me, “Do you want to express yourself to me in this way”? One of the biggest issues with Valentines Day is it’s a corporate tradition. A mindless tradition that has been imposed on men, with no consideration of our feelings or how we’d like to express ourselves. Just do what you are told and keep you mouth shut. No human being wants to be told how to do something and when they should do it, and if they don’t do it, they are seen as loveless and inconsiderate. What happened to the other 364 days of the year? Let me be clear, although most men don’t have the nerve to actually tell the truth about how they feel about Valentine’s Day, I’ll be the first to put out the truth. Most men hate this day. They do it with much contempt and actually resent you for imposing such a ridiculous pagan holiday on them. They do it, because they don’t want to hear you complain. Not all women do this, but I have talked to enough of my married friends, to know that they would rather jump into a pit of sharks than go through another mindless and imposed routine of Valentine’s Day.

   How do you think a man feels when he has to bow down to a tradition because society says so? For the record I love my wife and don’t need the help of some foolish pagan tradition that was spawned from some Christian martyr name Valentine of Tern that was killed by Catholics in the 200th century. I find it ironic that the fans of Valentine’s Day talk about how important it is to feel special. Hmm…let’s look at the definition again, shall we?

   Special: Surpassing what is common or usual; exceptional: a special occasion; a special treat.

   It’s interesting that a person would feel special on a day that billions of people mindlessly do the same thing. Same ole overpriced flowers, over-crowded restaurants, stale chocolate, etc. “Joe” and “Jane” public expecting gifts and other forms of lavish treatment because of the killing of the now so-called St Valentine. I treat my wife like a queen everyday, and I don’t have to prove my love on Valentine’s Day. As if our whole entire relationship is riding on the perfection of this one day. I’m not saying that there aren’t some merits to spending quality time with your significant other and making them feel special, but how Valentine’s Day became the de-facto standard day of love is just ridiculous. Most men resent being financial fleeced for the so-called sake of love, and if they go against this day, they are treated like hot steaming pile of smelly garbage. No venom could be hotter than the criticism you’ll get if you don’t participate in the Valentine’s Day routine.

   When you really love someone one, you come to an intelligent consensus on the minor and the major things in life, not to mention you are mindful of their true feelings. When Sarah and I feel like treating each other to something, it’s dynamic. There is no concrete prescription to our love. It flows like water and effortlessly moves about however it’s sees fit. Every molecule moving to the next moment in a shapeless, but controlled fashion. On Valentine’s Day, I look at the glib and distant faces of the men, and I have to laugh. Why? Because I was there and remember the deep seated resentment I had for being told like dog, how I should express the love I had in my heart. As if, Valentine’s Day is the only moment where I have to prove myself to my significant other. I’m sure there are some women who feel the way a lot of guys do on V-Day, but they are few and far between.

2. Anniversaries and other mindless events that fall into the “lets be special today” tradition.I’m not going to spend too much time on this section because some of these things are not that big of a deal. Our (Sarah and I) 1 year anniversary just passed, our marriage date was September 8th, 2007. Want to know what my wife and I did for our 1 year anniversary? Absolutely nothing. And when I say nothing, I do mean nothing. I came home from work and I gave my wife a hug and a kiss. That was it. We reflected on what has happened over the first year and that was it. No jewelry, gift exchanges, no fancy dinners, no hallmark cards, no roses, no special dinners at home. Zero. Not to say that we won’t do any of these things in the future, but we are not going to relegate 365 days after the point we made a decision to do something as the climax of celebratory appreciation for that day. Whenever we feel like going all out, that’s when we’ll do it. Everyday I come home to see my wife is an anniversary.

   There are so many day-to-day acts where Sarah and I show our appreciation for each other. We don’t have to play the “lets be special today” game. In many instances a lot of couples play this game. Before and after the so-called “anniversary” they might resent each other, then they play the “lets act like we love each other game”, not to mention trivializing the merits of what a marriage means and acting like there are not serious underlining problems in the relationship.

   What’s really interesting about the “lets be special for today” traditions, is no matter how much the relationship is in turmoil couples persist in participating in these traditions. How about addressing the core issues with your relationship first before you camouflage the problems with blind tradition? I say this, because this is something I used to do, and it was a pattern that I recognized in a lot of other relationships. As if, the magic in your relationship will be sparked by playing “make believe” for a day.

   The root problem in many of these “lets be special for a day” routines, is it’s just that, a routine. In many instances there are unrealistic expectations attached to these “special” days, as if fireworks will fly out of your eyes and your heart will be so moved with romance that it will explode with emotion. Sorry, but life is not a romance novel, romantic movie and the intimacy that you build into a relationship is based on true and honest intentions. Being selfish and not considering how the other person feels is not a recipe for success. It’s a recipe for resentment and mistrust, not to mention long-term unhappiness.

3. Engagement RingsAs usual I save the best for last. Many of you are probably saying, “Oh no, not the engagement ring!” Oh yes, Oh yes my friends, we are going to talk about the engagement ring. In my view the history of the engagement ring is DeBeer’s, Tiffany’s, Blue Nile’s, Zale’s and host of other diamond/jewelry companies’ best kept secret. As long as we don’t talk about the manipulative tactics of how the engagement ring was marketed into the homes of millions, if not billions we can be rest assured that the practice of the engagement ring is a well warranted tradition. I’m here to tell you that the tradition of the engagement ring is unwarranted and in many instances creates unnecessary financial pressure, not to mention a pocket full of resentment to boot.

   Before I get into the current state of the engagement ring we first have to go back roughly 130 years to find out how diamonds became a girl’s best friend during pre-marriage. In 1880 DeBeers (started by Cecil Rhodes) eventually owned roughly 60% of the diamond market, including supply, distribution, and manufacturing. Within 10 years the now famous De Beers Consolidated Mines Ltd. was formed by the Englishman Cecil John Rhodes to control the sale of diamonds throughout the world. Even today they control 65% of the world’s diamond trade. Now here’s where it gets controversial the concept of “diamonds are forever” was psychological cemented into the minds of millions:

   

   The History of the Engagement Ring
   http://www.diamondwholesalecorporation.com

   From 1880 De Beers were able to control the supply (and price) of diamonds but how were they going to control demand during a period when sales began dropping dramatically (up to 50%) in the 20s and 30s onwards through the great depression?

   Just as platinum started to become popular in diamond engagement rings, diamonds were becoming less valued. Platinum was banned for all but war use during WWII and so the platinum diamond engagement rings as we know them today almost died out.

   The answer to the problem was a new marketing campaign commissioned by De Beers that began in 1947. Perhaps you’ve heard the slogan “A Diamond is forever”? This was to mark the beginning of a change in the history of the engagement ring.

   Subsequent campaigns would convince families to hold on to their diamonds as family heirlooms… and it worked! Used diamonds were not being released back into the industry which in turn created the demand that De Beers were seeking.

   Jewelers were unofficially educated by De Beers to instruct men that two to three months personal wages were an ideal price to pay for the diamond engagement ring that their prospective fiancée’s would gladly accept.

   In 1953 the world’s two most glamorous women of the time Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell were the stars of the hit film musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

   The plot involves Monroe and Russell chasing potential husbands on a cruise to France. The movie also features a very famous song sung by the blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe, Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend.

   This film would have undoubtedly influenced public opinion at the time and will have advanced the popularity of diamonds for years afterwards through Hollywood glamour.

   The film is now 50 years old but it’s still a firm favorite of all who love Hollywood and the legend of Monroe. (Of course there are others: High Society, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, Diamonds Are Forever among them)

   This is where the tradition of the diamond engagement ring really started, all from an advertising campaign that literally “rocked” the world! (Get it? “rocked”…. okay I’ll shut up!) So you see buying a diamond engagement ring isn’t really a popular ancient tradition.

   It’s more a combination of “dreaming of being a princess”, a clever marketing campaign and compelling Hollywood glamour that ultimately promotes diamonds as the only jewels with which to furnish your loved one as a sign of engagement.

   Now keep in mind that this history was unashamedly provided by a diamond wholesaler. If you look at the bottom of the page, the company shamelessly concludes with the following:

   The 21st Century
   The history of the engagement ring has moved on and demand for diamonds and platinum diamond engagement rings is still rising. The tradition is here to stay. Estimated 78% of all engagement rings sold every year are diamond.

   It would seem that no matter what you personally decide, she’ll be expecting a diamond! Free expert advice on diamonds and diamond engagement rings will be given by our Gemologists, via E-Mail or Phone:

   Call Toll Free: 1-800-555-5555 for your Engagement Ring

   See Engagement Rings-Click here!

   The arrogance of these diamond companies is beyond words. Here’s a short story that really captures the essence of why I’m opposed to the engagement/diamond ring. This is a true story that happened around 2000. I can’t remember all the details of the moment, so I’ve have plugged what I can remember, but it went something like this:

   I’ll never forget, let’s call him Jim, was telling me his engagement ring escapades. He was telling me how he was really stressed about finding the right engagement ring. He says this, with glibness and unseemliness, “Dwayne, doesn’t it have to be 3-4 months of your annual salary?” Unknowingly I shrug. He continues, “Man it’s perfect, I got the perfect diamond, but whoa, did it cost me. Roughly around $6-7,000 dollars”. My eyes go wide like an owl. Now inside my head, I’m going, “Say what? Who created these dumb rules anyway? Why should I spend 4 months of my salary just to let someone know that I want to marry them? Shouldn’t our courting be enough?” Nevertheless, Jim continues to go on and on, swooning between regret, fear, excitement, anxiety, resentment, “I guess I just have to”, feelings, and uneasiness throughout the conversation.

   I’ll never forget Jim’s face as he told me this story. Like Mike Tyson when he got punched out by Buster Douglas. Just completely defeated and had no idea what to do next. No guy in his right mind would ever say what they really think of this tradition, because he knows the level of critical heat he will get from his wife to be, the family of the wife, the friends of the wife, and the fear of receiving society’s disapproval from his so-called “cheapness” and “lack of love”. He’ll be labeled as a bum and accused of not really being serious of commitment. Now how DeBeers got to have more “say-so” in what is deemed acceptable and not acceptable engagement tradition is what I have issue with. The fact that the engagement ring is now a requirement before marriage because of a slick marketing program is insane. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Oprah, Dr. Phil, Ebony, the relationship sections of magazines, Seventeen, Men’s Health, Mademoiselle, King, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Fitness have more say so on how a man is supposed to “behave” in a relationship, now multi-international diamond companies get to set the pre-guidelines of a decision that will impact me and the women I marry for the rest of our life. Is this not absurd?

   Then we wonder why the divorce rate for marriages in this country is 50%, and of those relationships where the couple is still married and it seems like only 38% of marriages would be considered “happy”. Now what’s wrong with this equation? That means roughly 20% of all marriages are somewhat successful. Under no circumstances am I saying that the diamond ring is exclusively responsible for the divorce rate. What I’m trying to say is imposing traditions on people because “that’s they way it is” creates resentment. Now with all the technology we have to disseminate information, books on relationships, countless books on why divorces happen, and how to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, how is it that we still can’t get it right? As individuals, we are such an arrogant, narcissistic, inconsiderate and conceited group of people, while being ignorant of some of the most basic human characteristics, which is required to maintain a happy relationship. Irrespective of how dangerously inconsiderate our behavior is to the one we say “we love”, whenever there is some entity out there, whether it be some so-called celebrity personality, opinionated friends, uninformed family members, corporations, or societies that caters to our superficial desires and fears, we fall for it hook, line and sinker. Now if you are not going to think of how the other person feels about something, why are you getting married? Are you just getting married because society says it’s time to get married? Do you have some type of tyrannical vendetta against your spouse?

   Now for everything that I’ve said, I realize that we live in a free country and if you’ve chosen or succumbed to the diamond engagement ring as the pre-marriage tradition of choice, I’ll assume that you did it for the right reasons. If you are a man, and you genuinely wanted to participate in this act for the sake of love, then that’s great. If you are a woman, and you genuinely felt the diamond engagement ring was optional and it was irrelevant whether he did or not, then kudos to you. It’s really about the giver’s and receiver’s intention.

   One of the main reasons why I chose not to participate in the diamond engagement tradition, because I felt the tradition was imposed on. Why should so much pressure be put on my shoulders because Cecil Rhodes decided to start a diamond company and create a slick marketing company to make his company more profitable? The merits of his marketing campaign symbolizes the superficiality and blistering ignorance that contributes to unheard of levels of resentment in today’s marriages? I mean, how would woman feel, if a company called DeMean marketed a campaign that said women are required to cook and clean the house for the first 3 years of marriage while the man sits on the couch and does absolutely nothing? Now if you opposed the idea, society accused you of being a bad would-be wife. Then magazine writers, and celebrity journalists started jumping in the fray saying all women who don’t do this are inconsiderate and don’t’ deserve to be with any man?

   Another reason I didn’t participate in the diamond engagement is I didn’t want the engagement ring to become the “make it or break it” on whether my soon to be wife would want to get married to me. One of the most important decisions I made was to tell my wife to be, that I don’t and will not participate in the diamond engagement ring tradition. I told her this in the first year. Here is Sarah’s response after I told her that:

   “Had you bought me a diamond engagement ring, I would have given t right back to you because I am not with. I’m not with you because of some pagan ring tradition, I want to be with you and you don’t need to offer expensive externalities for the sake of love to prove that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. Your behavior, consideration, and actions over the past few years are enough. How could I believe otherwise?”

   In the end, it’s a personal choice that everyone has to make. Keep in mind that this is not just my opinion. I have talked to enough married and soon-to-be married men, that they only did it because they had to, but didn’t really want to. Not out of inconsideration for their spouse, but for many of the reasons that I just mentioned above, but didn’t have the courage to say anything. For some women, they don’t care. Irrespective of the intention, they are getting, as they say today “a ring on their finger”. It’s nice to know that a man’s feeling means nothing, while DeBeers profit margins and how your friends/family/random strangers thoughts about the value of your marriage mean everything.

   My last and final point is I also think the engagement ring is putting the cart before the horse. Now you just got married and people are making this staggering investment into the engagement ring. I think it would be more appropriate to participate in such a tradition maybe 5-10 years in when the marriage has a bit more meat on the bones. The way people do it today is as if they won the marathon already. You are just in the first lap and you are already celebrating. The celebration doesn’t really come, until a bit more time has passed. Once again, just my opinion, but some of these pre-marriage acts are a bit premature.

   Here are some words of wisdom from my wife Sarah:

   As a woman, I have found it hard, one too many times, to stand by and watch other women claim this right to self-entitlement and a twisted form of self satisfaction. Women today seem to feel that a man is only “worthy” of her time and love if he is providing material “rewards” in return (sometimes even ahead of time). Since when has a good relationship been measured by how much money a man has or how much he can provide on a material level? What happened to a man being measured based on his character and ability to be a good husband and a good father? Unfortunately, today’s relationships consist of all these dates and events that were dictated by corporations and expected of people (specifically men) to adhere to.

   I will start with Valentines Day. Who is St. Valentines? Why does he have such a strong hold on us today? Why do we, as women, feel that men should wine us and dine us and over spend on this day? Why should we, as loving spouses limit ourselves or limit our loved ones to feel special or fully loved only on this specific day? Why should this day dictate to us how and when to show our love to a spouse? Why should material objects be the measurement for how much we love someone? What does this day really represent? As Malik already pointed out, it is a mindless, corporate holiday that most men are forced to participate in; unwillingly I might add.

   The truth is, we, as human beings are easily manipulated into participating in holidays and events that mean nothing in reality. Women, you have to understand that men generally participate in this day ONLY because they do not want to hear the drama or be accused of being cheap or unaffectionate or not caring enough. Women, this is a selfish way to behave. Not to mention that such an event actually makes the occasion of gift giving or love sharing less unique and meaningful. How special can this day really be if everyone all over the world is doing the same exact thing only because society said so? Is it not more meaningful to make the effort to show love in a way you choose, when YOU or your SPOUSE chooses to. Why make it this ridiculous chore.

   The same goes for anniversaries. Now, it is nice to remember the day that you and your husband got married, or shared a first event together. However, expecting gifts, flowers, dinner, etc. on this day every year for the rest of ones life is unreasonable. Life is not about what material object can be provided on a certain day to make a person feel special. It is about remembering the event in a positive light and being thankful to God for allowing this person to be in your life.

   What starts off as an innocent celebration soon turns into an unrealistic expectation. Let’s say this year, your husband and yourself go out to a nice Italian restaurant and you exchange gifts. Next year, the expectation will be bigger, may be a nice restaurant with bigger gifts. Then, let’s say the 3rd year, your husband forgets the anniversary; now, there is a sense of betrayal. “How could he forget our anniversary” will run through the mind of most women. In turn, this leads to an argument and the whole meaning of this day is swallowed whole in anger and unrealistic expectations. Do not put so much emphasis on expecting something for an anniversary. Enjoy the day with a smile, a hug, a kiss, and talk about the day’s significance. And, then, if you feel that you want to celebrate in a more traditional light, do so, but don’t make it an annual ritual just because that is what everyone else is doing.

   As a woman who is in love with a strong and loving man, I can tell you this; Valentines Day, anniversaries, and so on do not dictate our relationship to us. Why? Because everyday with Malik is a special day filled with love, respect and warmth. For us, the importance of our relationship is emphasized with a cup of tea made with love, a dinner cooked with care, a warm smile, a sincere thank you, the sharing of cookie or just the peaceful silence of each other.

   Now, I am not saying that Malik and I never enjoy gift giving or special days. Of course we do. However, we do not need a specific day of the year to dictate that to us. We also do not follow an annual ritual for our birthdays, anniversary and other events. When we do share “special” moments it is always random and unexpected. Additionally, we make it a point to not go over the top; we keep it simple filled with characteristics and events dear to us as a couple.

   Now ladies, a separate topic that needs to be addressed; Engagement rings! Ahhhh…the ring! Malik has already done a phenomenal job in explaining to you the history of the ring so I won’t bother to write anymore on that. However, ladies, what is a ring? A piece of metal with a diamond in it that depreciates over time? Yes.

   Who said that a ring is what makes a happy couple? Who said that a ring means that a man loves you anymore that if he didn’t give a ring? Who said that a diamond represents forever; thus making a marriage last forever? Who said that a ring equates to a legal marriage? We all know the answer to these questions yet we still feel the need to pressure our men into buying us these rings of “love” and “eternity.”

   A mans love for you has nothing to do with a metal circle that is placed on a finger. Your worth is not measured by that same metal circle. A mans love for a woman is only measured by the way he treats you, the care he shows you and the respect he gives you. A mans love for a woman is strictly measured by the day to day emotional support and physical fulfillment that he shows you. A mans love is measured in his touch, his smile, his hug, his kiss, his support, his ability to be a good father, his righteous character and his ability to be there for you.

   We as women need to wake up. We need to understand that a man is good when his character is good, when his soul is good, when his heart is good. A good man, a true man, a real man, an honest man cannot be measured by what he provides on a material level. We need to revaluate what society deems as a “good” man and look back into the days of simplicity and humbleness. We need to look into ourselves and understand what truly makes us happy as women. I know for me happiness is attached to Malik. In my eyes, that happiness comes from a strong, intelligent, sincere, righteous and supportive man who is an exceptional husband and is going to be an exceptional father.

III. Conclusion:

Although I’ve only been married for over year, I have a lot of relationship experiences and talked to a lot of married men and women on their experiences. One of the things that really sent the light bulb off in my head was talking to a lot of married and soon-to-be married men/women right out of college. No matter where I was in the world, I took to time to talk to married men and women about their marriage. The problems that they were talking about, were no different that the problems that I had in my relationships. The only difference is they had kids, a mortgage, and a legal contract, binding them together. Let me be honest, a lot of these guys/gals felt dejected and defeated. They made some big mistakes and had unrealistic expectations about married life and what it would be like. I would say to myself, “How is it that I’m in my twenties, just starting life out, and I can identify with this older man in his 50s who’s been married for 20+ years, has 3 kids, a dog, white picket fence, etc. The problem was, is there are tons of these women/men who feel this way. I would just sit and listen during lunch, and hear horror story after horror story. One argument after another, one inconsiderate act after another, one unrealistic expectation after another. At an early age I could trade war stories with them and it troubled me. I could not believe that I was suffering from the same problems in my relationships. The same feelings of resentment, powerlessness, and hopelessness gripped them every night they went home. Unfortunately, that was how a lot of my relationships played out as I got older and older.

I realized that the problems that a lot of people see in their marriages started way before they even got married. They never addressed their past issues and like luggage, just carried it into the next relationship. Like a boulder rolling down a hill, it just accumulates more and more causing more destruction in its path. Some people feel marriage and kids will some how be the elixir to all the ills of the relationship. Don’t believe the hype, there are many who thought so, and have been disappointed. I have concocted a simple list that offer a soothing environment (in my view) for many relationships, and will at least offer a bit more stability in today’s marriages. Considering we aren’t seeing a decline in the national divorce rate, my opinion is a good as anyone else out there.

1. Be Humble/ModestHere are several definitions: Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.

   Whether by choice or necessity, be humble. No matter how pretty or handsome you think you are, or others think you are, no matter how successful or accomplished you think you are, no matter how smart, intelligent, or brilliant you think you are, no matter how wealthy you are and no matter how great you think your race/tribe/culture is, BE HUMBLE!. No one wants to be with an arrogant, prideful, self-absorbed narcissist individual who puts the world last and themselves first. You might think it’s amusing and you might revel every time someone stingingly submits to your whim, but you are not helping anyone by behaving this way. You are only destroying the closes person to you.

   Be appreciative of the physical or spiritual assets that you have been blessed with. Some of us are very fortunate to have the things we have and the best thing we can all do is be appreciative of those gifts. Humility is a beautiful character and is often ignored in a lot of relationships.

2. Set realistic expectations and when you set expectations use some level of logic and reason to come to the conclusion that this is the right expectation.One of the biggest complaints I have heard and seen are people setting unrealistic expectations on each other. What is really fascinating is these expectations are set without using any set of wisdom behind the expectation. It’s important that you consider the other person’s feelings. Now if the person does something that you don’t approve of, berating them into submission is not going to get you any closer to an answer. Sometimes you don’t have to lower your expectation, but a more appropriate term is you have to “change” your expectation.

   We often get into this circular argument of “lower and raising” the expectation. Did you ever think that maybe you had the wrong expectation from the start? Why do we have this superiority complex of whether the expectation is at the right height? And where did you get this expectation from in the first place? In my view, if you don’t have any information to support your expectation, then maybe you should rethink having that expectation? No one is perfect, and as human beings we should know whether our expectation’s can be realistically met. Have the same conversation over and over again is pointless. Either we are going to solve the problem or we are not. Unless someone in the discussion can find common sense reasoning and wisdom behind why they feel the way they do then the argument will be circular

3. Playing follow the so-called “leader”These are destructive or questionable acts that people do, but they do it because everybody else is doing it and it seems like a good idea. It’s important to know why you are doing something and take into account how this something, impacts the other person. Doing something because you feel like doing it, does not mean that it should be done. One thing I’ve noticed is people have a bad habit of doing something because it’s always been that way. Now there’s nothing wrong with following a tradition or pattern of behavior but you should know why you are doing it, and its impact on others.

   As I stated earlier, a lot of traditions we have blindly followed to our own demise. We look around and we are the only one holding the bag wondering “What happened?” It does not have to be this way. Don’t be stubborn. Seek out the reasoning and wisdom behind things. If you are going to put all your energy into a particular tradition or behavior, it’s only right that you seek out the history of that tradition or behavior. Many people, who know me, know that I’m anti-blind tradition. If the act is based on a lie, misinformation, trickery, pagan worship, etc, under no circumstances am I following it. Not to mention from an Islamic perspective, participating in any bidah (innovation) for the sake of anything other than Allah is haram (prohibited). In my view, wisdom and intellect must underscore your decisions. You can see where society has gone when they do things “just cause” with no intellect behind the decision. Verdict: 20% of marriages are considered happy. Running after someone else’s dream and life is not going to make you any happier. What is good for someone else might not be good for you. Pick your choices in life wisely

4. The importance of righteousnessAn often neglected characteristic when people are searching for the love of their life, but seeking out a person who wants to uphold the utmost truth is critical. A person who wavers on the truth for others or themselves is someone who is aspiring to selfishness. Selfishness is the death knell of any relationship. Having a “me” attitude is not cute, it’s actually a very ugly characteristic. Nothing makes someone uglier than being selfish. When you find someone who wants to make sacrifices for the truth, they’ll more than likely make sacrifices for you. For them, the truth is that important.
5. Being genuinely respectful of othersHow many of us say we want to be respected, but don’t really give it out? Do you know how many arguments my wife and have had? 0. Zero. We’ve have discussions but we don’t argue, talk down to each other, never curse at each other, and we definitely don’t use verbal attacks to assassinate each other’s character. If you can’t talk in a calm and controlled voice on a disagreement, then something is wrong. There is no reason to get excited. You put your thoughts on table, I put my thoughts on the table and then we have an intelligent discussion on how to get to a resolution. If we don’t come to a resolution then we wait a day to collect our thoughts, then go back to find a resolution. Every time you violate the regard and esteem of another person, you are not being respectful. By acting in this way you are lowering the quality rung of the relationship. Not only does disrespectful behavior create resentment, but it also positions the other person in a situation where they are dis empowered. Their word does not hold as much value and often can lead to hopelessness and depression.
6. CommunicationWe hear this all the time from some of the biggest and best marriage counselors in the world. Make sure you communicate your feelings. Now the only way you can achieve number 6, is if you do 1 through 5. You will not be able to communicate with someone if you are missing 1 through 5. 1 through 5 has to underscore the way you communicate. If you do 1 through 5, you’ll be able to communicate effectively with your spouse. Very simple.
7. Dealing in self-deception and escapismYet another destructive blow, and probably one of the most dangerous characteristics of any relationship, is denial. Denying that maybe you need to change a couple things, or denying that maybe the person you’re with might have some good intentions behind why they want you to change some things for the better or denying that you need to remove yourself from a destructive relationship. (sorry, run on sentence) Once the self-deception has kicked into full throttle, then the next thing a person does is escapism.

   Now rather than dealing with why they might be struggling to find the “right” one, many people escape into cognitive dissonance. Escapism is a result of self-deception and denial. Some of us may be too quick to use the word “hatin”. As if someone offering constructive criticism is somewhat dealing in jealousy or as the word is used contemporarily, “hatin”. I think in some instances, many of us maybe dealing with a bit of self-deception. By denying the obvious, we accuse others of simply being jealous of something we have. It can be money, status in life, material things, beauty/handsomeness, intelligence, or some other facet of our life. Unfortunately we can’t control how others perceive our behavior, actions, and existence. The best things we can do, is be true to ourselves and that is a bigger and better question. Are we really acting, behaving, and dealing with people on a day-to-day basis in a truthful and reverent manner?

   I’ve seen too many people deal in self-deception for years upon years, only to live a very lonely, secluded and escapist type of life. Is that the purpose of life? I’m right, the world is wrong, so I’ll do what ever I feel like? Can any sensible person really believe in this philosophy?

8. Watch out for the negative “by-myself” meetingGleaned from the words of Cappadonna, the full quote is “every evening I have a by-myself meeting”. Simply it’s a matter of pondering with the thoughts of your conscious to come to a proper conclusion on a particular matter. Now in the context of this relationship post, the negative “by myself” meeting is a conversation that you have with yourself, where you deceive yourself into believing that you are correct on how you are dealing with a particular matter, but you are actually incorrect.

   As human beings, we have these “by-myself” meetings all the time. Normally we take our own personal experiences, pieces of conversations, outside advice and try to come to a conclusion on what to do. Unfortunately our egos can block proper resolve, and rather then getting to the right answer, we fall into a defensive pose of circular arguments (like a dog running after it’s tail). Not realizing that we are spinning around in the same circle over and over, we can miss an opportunity to resolve a particular issue. Be very careful of the negative “by-myself” meeting, it can lead to denying the obvious while encouraging anti-intellectualism and poor judgment.

9. Keep things simpleOne of the biggest gifts that Sarah and I have is we are very simple people. We occasionally do things, but we spend a lot of time at home. Remember what I said earlier, that seeing my wife every day was an anniversary. I wasn’t saying that just to say that. Every single day I can’t wait to come home to my wife. The home
   should be a place of tranquility and peace. The outside world is a stressful place. After we all come home from a hard day’s work, whether you are a woman or a man, the last thing you want, is to come home to a stressful household. Try making the home a place of relaxation. Behind every good man can be good woman, and behind every good woman can be a good man. I truly believe that. We don’t have to be control freaks, we don’t have to be overbearing, we don’t have to be inconsiderate, and we don’t have to be stressed out because of the minutia of life. We actually have the power to simplify things and enjoy life. Life is too short to continue imposing our will on each other. Be patient and enjoy the simplicities of life with your spouse. Thanks for reading and I wish you all well in your future relationships.

Other posts in this series

1. Why are our relationships so disastrous? (This post) (November 23, 2008)
2. 8 Myths that Might Mess Up Your Life (July 6, 2009)
3. Valentine's Day: The Emotional Land Grab (February 1, 2010)
4. Broccoli-ness Valentines Day (February 22, 2010)
5. Relationship Trouble? Might be Narcissism (September 22, 2010)
6. Have you become the "Bickersons" in your relationship? (May 11, 2011)

No related posts.