Relationship Trouble? Might be Narcissism

Recently, I’ve been reading The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean M. Twenge Ph.D. and W. Keith CampBell Ph.D. It’s one of the 12+ plus books that will contribute to my 4 part series on the Science of Relationship which I’ll be finishing later on this year (inshallah). The book is not perfect, but it makes some good points. A bit too much “soap boxing”, but the good intentions and clear warnings are there. However, I want to take a short pit stop and quote a couple of very insightful paragraphs from this book that highlight—what I think is very eye-opening information on what many of relationships are suffering from. When I read these paragraphs it reminded me of some of the issues I encountered in my bad relationships in the past. Some of you might read this and say. “Oh snap, that’s me”. Nevertheless, check it out:

Narcissists and materialism….

Materialism is also a real stumbling block in narcissists’ relationships. Narcissists’ partners, for example, often say that the narcissists’ interest in material goods interferes with the relationship. She’s more interested in stainless-steel appliances, fancy handbags, and Manolo Blahnik shoes than our relationship, guy will say. (Simply insert “a huge flat-screen TV, Rolex watches, expensive suits” to switch the sexes.) The partners have a point: If you can get social status from either an expensive watch or trophy partner, what does that say? Narcissists also sort their friends according to material standards.

Narcissist approach to relationships….

In place of love for another person, put love for the self, in place of caring, put exploitation; and to commitment, add “as long as it benefits me.” Narcissists’ approach to relationship is simple: it’s all about them. They want to look and feel good and if the relationship is a way to do this, great, if not, it’s time to find another one. People often use the term “feeding the ego” to describe narcissists’ approach to relationships. If the relationship proves to be sufficient food, it works, and if not, it doesn’t.

Narcissist triggers of aggression…

These three triggers of aggression—ego threat, rejection, and saying no—make a relationship with a narcissist feel like tiptoeing though a minefield. The excitement at the beginning is not worth the stress, anxiety and sometimes fear that comes later.

Narcissism relationship virus spreads…

Unfortunately, with relationships—especially romantic relationships, but also in friendships and even in picking CEOs—people have a major problem with selection. We really want two things from relationships: the sizzle the fun, exciting, confident, charismatic outgoing and “magic” part, and the substance, the commitment, caring, and teamwork part. Narcissists’ secret to success in relationships is that they deliver the sizzle up front, but then fail to deliver the substance. Instead, you end up with a bevy of relationship problems like those described above.

Why Narcissist threaten relationships….

Narcissists may seem like a tasty treat when you first meet them, but they are not. Narcissism is absolutely corrosive to social relationships. People who have been deeply involved with narcissists can tell you this. These relationships destroy trust in others. You learn not to trust anyone after being mistreated by someone so charming and likable. You also lose trust in yourself. If you couldn’t see this coming, what does that tell you about your judgement? And then to dip the wound in salt, relationships with narcissists are remembered and ruminated about for a long time. People ponder what went wrong; the ruminate about the warning signs they should have seen; and they waste a lot of time trying to figure out what made the narcissist into a narcissist.

The great thing about this book is it gives you the tools to spot a narcissists a mile away. Yet another tool to add to your social toolkit.

• No Returns on Downgrades by George Reid from The Nobel Realm
• Get the Book! The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by
  Jean M. Twenge Ph.D.
• Why are our Relationships So Disastrous? by Malik Abdul Rasheed

Other posts in this series

1. Why are our relationships so disastrous? (November 23, 2008)
2. 8 Myths that Might Mess Up Your Life (July 6, 2009)
3. Valentine's Day: The Emotional Land Grab (February 1, 2010)
4. Broccoli-ness Valentines Day (February 22, 2010)
5. Relationship Trouble? Might be Narcissism (This post) (September 22, 2010)
6. Have you become the "Bickersons" in your relationship? (May 11, 2011)

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