Have you become the “Bickersons” in your relationship?

So who are the “Bickersons”? (the first time I heard this used is from the book Spousonomics) In my view this is any couple who quarrel a lot. It’s like walking around with steel shoes through a field of egg shells laced with magnetic dynamite. No matter what the topic, an argument is going to pop off and more than likely it will be explosive. It’s taking the most nuanced issues and blowing them up into stellar battles of galatic proportions. In most instances the root of the “bickering” is something else, but these smaller issue serve as “death by a thousand cuts” to the relationship which can leave both people extremely unhappy.

I’m reaching the last couple books to round out my research on my beige paper (We’ll it’s actually a white paper but I’m not a professor or a man with a P.h.d so it will be a beige paper for now) on the Science of Relationships. What started out as an idea for a blog post on some of the neurology and psychology behind how men and women interact in their relationships eventually grew into a “beige paper” on this same subject. One of the books is called Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes by Paula Szuchman. Wait…now before you run to the hills and say “There’s no way I’m taking relationship advice from some economist”, you should realize that out of the 15-20 books that have contributed to my research over the last 3 years, this book is one of the most pragmatic and helpful books on rooting out some of the underlying dysfunctions of many relationships. I’m not saying this because I love economics, I’m saying this because the information is very straight forward, honest and pragmatic.

Many of the problems that are identified in this book have been painstakingly researched over decades and although the book has a “economics” wrapper, you don’t have to know anything about economics to understand how to run your relationship like an economy that is experiencing robust growth instead of a depression (which unfortunately many relationships are). Below you’ll find two audio snippets from the book that highlight a couple issues that bring about much angst in too many relationships. Suprisingly one of the biggest pain points for most relationships (that eventually lead the decline of the relationship) is household chores. Before you dismiss this as some strange aberration, check out this quote from the book Spousonomics:

If arguing over chores seems petty to you, consider this: In 2007, the Pew Research Center conducted a survey that asked “What makes a marriage work?” The number one answer was faithfulness, followed by sex. Makes sense. But third, ahead of everything else, including kids, money, and religion: sharing household chores.

Other research backs this up. According to a 2009 survey of working women by the Boston Consulting Group, the second most common thing people argue about with their partners are household chores. That’s behind money but ahead of sex, work, and raising kids. In our own Exhaustive, Groundbreaking, and Very Expensive Marriage Survey, 73 percent of women said they did more than 50 percent of the housework, whereas only 40 percent of men said they did more than half the housework (you have to a least give the men credit for honesty)

A couple days ago I was on a thread talking about relationships and many of the complaints were related to the roles and responsibilities of the house. To be honest, that was about 50% of the complaints. There seemed to be a wide dichotomy (of Grand Canyon proportions) on who should do what in the house. However, enjoy the audio snippets:

50/50 Household chores vs Comparative Advantage

The importance of changing the Rules in your relationship

Other posts in this series

1. Why are our relationships so disastrous? (November 23, 2008)
2. 8 Myths that Might Mess Up Your Life (July 6, 2009)
3. Valentine's Day: The Emotional Land Grab (February 1, 2010)
4. Broccoli-ness Valentines Day (February 22, 2010)
5. Relationship Trouble? Might be Narcissism (September 22, 2010)
6. Have you become the "Bickersons" in your relationship? (This post) (May 11, 2011)

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