In light of the recent Dr. Rand Paul discovery from the public that he (Dr. Paul) would have voted for the 1964 Civil Rights act, but would still allow private companies to determine (by their own criteria) who will patron their business, exists a certain type of duality that deserves some attention. Before I continue, lets look at the definition of duality:

being twofold; a classification into two opposed parts or subclasses; “the dichotomy between eastern and western culture”

So simply, you are straddling two views that oppose each other. so in Dr. Paul’s case he is against institutional racism, but would allow some form of it (he doesn’t realize he is doing this) to protect his “libertarian” (I’ll tell you shortly why this view is not libertarian) view that any involvement of the federal government negates the rights of private companies liberty. In one instance he strangely uses the 1st Amendment to support his view. Freedom of speech and freedom to act are two different things. We must realize that certain acts supersede other acts if the 1st act clashes with the 2nd act.

So now lets look at the definition of Libertarianism defined by David Boaz:

Libertarianism is the view that each person has the right to live his life in any way he chooses so long as he respects the equal rights of others. (Equal Rights of others…hmmm..sound familiar…oh that sounds awfully like the Civil Rights Act of 1964)

Hmm..can someone call Houston? Looks like we have a problem. Now regardless of how you feel about a particular person the key contradiction is allowing any company, individual or entity to discriminate against any well intentioned individual because they own a business, is in complete opposition to the underlying foundation of Libertarianism and the Civil Rights act of 1964. Am I missing something? Now we can have discussion on what “respect the rights” of other means, but denying someone their rights (to protect some ideological view of protecting the rights of private companies) so you can express your rights seems to be a contradiction.

Here’s another example:

In the Quran and related Hadiths it clearly states that all Muslims are prohibited from drinking alcohol. If I don’t drink alcohol, and participate in the production, marketing, distribution, and manufacturing of alcohol, am I still upholding my principles as a Muslim because I’m not literally drinking alcohol? For those suffering with the disease of duality, the answer would be Yes. And for those who don’t, the answer is NO.

Here lies the problem my friends. Dr. Paul and many of you out there…you can’t have it both ways my friend…although I know you want it like that.

In the wake of the new maniac and psychopath of the month (i.e Joseph Stack who did a homicide-suicide plane crash into I.R.S. building in a failed attempt to kill hundreds to Faisal Shahzad failed Times Square bombing that could of maimed/killed hundreds, maybe even thousands) who in some twisted sense of righteousness believe that killing innocent civilians equates to some deed of salvation or proper retribution for past misgivings. These characters are some of the more obvious examples.

terrorism, act of terrorism, terrorist act (the calculated use of violence (or the threat of violence) against civilians in order to attain goals that are political or religious or ideological in nature; this is done through intimidation or coercion or instilling fear)

Here is my open letter to “The Terrorists”, current and aspiring psychopaths and cowards who might not have thought they “fit the profile”.

Dear Terrorists,(but not limited to)

The “loose cannon” who claim they are Muslim and follow the Quran and Hadiths in Islam who like to blow themselves up (and others) thinking (Allahhualim) that they are going to see Jenna (Heaven). You better go back to the deen of Al-Islam (if you haven’t already blown yourself up) and re-study because your eyes, ears and hearts are sealed with wickedness and the shaytan.
That’s violent terrorism.

Police officers and those in authority in the justice system who beat down and kill civilians mercilessly because you think they are expendable. You have the disease of cognitive dissonance towards those that you’ve concluded have an “otherness” about them which does not fit into your own cultural matrix.
That’s enforcement terrorism. (not to mention xenophobic and prejudice)

The executives and investment houses/banks/firms sitting in their ivory tower embezzling tens of millions and creating questionable investment instruments (money schemes) while undermining the integrity of the financial system. Impoverishing tens of millions for your own selfish benefit.
That’s financial terrorism.

For the murderers and killers who worship gang violence while killing people in your own community including innocent women and children because you want a quick drug profit.
That’s social and urban terrorism.

Those in the halls of Congress (politicians and law makers at the state and federal level) that play up people’s worst fears to usurp power and mislead your constituents with a divide and conquer strategy. Laying in bed with lobbyists and playing both sides of the political coin for your own one dimensional power grab.
That’s political and institutional terrorism.

For the country that goes into other countries claiming (lying) that another country has WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction) because so-called intelligent organizations with fancy acronyms “certified the facts” with a faulty threat matrix then mercliessly kills over 150,000 plus innocent civilians (45 9/11s) for almost 10 years while injuring millions then arrogantly occupies the same country creating more violence and misery for the citizens. Or any country that uses occupation as a foundation for foreign policy.
That’s sovereign terrorism.

For the governments and related banks that are in cahoots with one another who indulge in “too big to fail” bailouts and print money like it grows on trees while causing inflation and devaluing the dollar. Not to mention the draconian practice of fractional reserve banking and usury which buries people under so much interest that they are financially impotent.
That’s economic terrorism.

For the racist bigot (and many don’t even know they are and will read this and say, “Oh that’s definitely not me”….well not so fast, it might be you) individual that foolishly claims to believe in God but sympathies with their ethnic, racial, or tribal identity over the inclusive and humanitarian guidelines of all monotheistic ways of life. Now called religion. 
You are a community terrorist. (Not to mention a hypocrite)

For the so-called news organizations that are muliti-milllon dollar partisan hack misinformation “non-thinking” tanks that spew misleading, demeaning, information and purposely confuse the public with empty politically inspired anecdotes and regurgitate sound bites from their corporate/ political slave masters.
That’s information terrorism.

If there was anyone who thought any one group of people have cornered the market on “terrorism”, you have not done your homework.

“He who kills a person without (the latter) having killed another person, it is as if he has killed all of humanity, and he who makes one person survive, it is as if he has caused all humanity to survive” – (32,5) – Quran

This is going to be short (at least relatively shorter than most of my posts), but over the years I’ve had quite a few online and face-to-face discussions/debates/conversations with people from different walks of life on a lot of political topics. Recently, my boy sent me a Facebook thread on a political discussion that pretty much imploded from the start. Rather than engaging in a respectful discussion about the topic, the discussion exploded into character assassination, dehumanization, and parables of mere conjecture.

In many instances these conversations fall into the trap of incessant bickering about labels and empty political affiliations. We bicker about the minutiae then go back into our social corners and preach to our choirs. Is this not madness, how can we get things done with such behavior? From my perspective, we have mastered the art of condescension, egotism, and intellectual show boating at the expense of empathy and a mutual respect for those who have walked a different path than our own. We demonize each other for cheap political points.

While we divide our selves into oblivion the same political psychopaths from the Republican, Democratic party and various Poli-tocrats will walk away with the spoils. We are all naive for not realizing this. Recently, I’ve been digging deep into a new book, You Are Still Being Lied To: The Disinformation Guide to Media Distortion, Historical Whitewashes and Cultural Myths by Russ Kick and there are several passages that reinforce my point:

Intellectuals have a problem: they have to justify their existence
pg 60 —Normand Baillargeion

Hate has the annoying tendency to turn into hypocrisy. I laugh with glee when my side catches the other’s lies and follies. To a point, that’s healthy and cathartic.

But you don’t hear me laughing when the other side returns the favor. Then I discount the point and quietly fume at the attack itself. Don’t they understand our side is the good one?

And so it goes: They smear us; we uncover the truth about them. They have corrupt contributors; we’re creating a badly needed war chest. Their moral difficulties are untenable; ours, if any, are excusable.

Hate also kills thinking.
— Seth Freeman

So here are some basic conversational rules that can lead to more progress and less pomp

1. Stay focused on the topic at hand.
2. Being a blind ideologue just makes you look ignorant of the topic at hand and biased towards others.
3. DO NOT assassinate the other person(s) character. The conversation will turn into a personal screaming match
4. Do your research and source empirical data. Don’t just say something because it sounds good or it’s some talking point that has been regurgitated from the “choir”.
5. Before you speak, think your thoughts through. If you are getting angry or frustrated about a particular response, take the higher ground. Pause, then break down your response into smaller chunks.
6. “Snarkiness”, condescension, and belittling might make for some good comment entertainment, but it can derail a good conversation into the black abyss.
7. Show a bit of empathy, morals and understanding. Try your best to know who your audience is. It’s not what you say but how you say it
8. Now if all this fails and the person you are speaking to still remains ignorant, just walk away. Although very difficult to do because it’s always nice to get the last word, but sometimes you have to agree to disagree before feelings get hurt
9. As a last resort you can just punch the person in the face. It will make you feel good but the moment will be turned into to fisticuffs (just kidding)

Don’t forget good conversational etiquette and manners. We don’t have to agree on every point to get things done.

• Real change in campaign ‘08: Stop hating the other party By Seth Freeman
• You Are Still Being Lied To: The Disinformation Guide to Media Distortion, Historical Whitewashes and Cultural Myths by Russ Kick

As a teenager I was a rowdy young thing; somewhat of a bully and most definitely a rebel. However, I possessed a teen’s innocence; the innocence of a child. Other than trying to curse every now and then or trying to meet with a boy I was interested from time to time (which I hardly got away with because my parents were hawks in nature), my mind was focused on fun activities like sports, girlfriend hangouts, writing and school.

I look into the eyes of our youth and I see pain, sadness, unnecessary responsibility and emptiness. I see hyper sexualized boys and sexually objectified girls (by both their own doing and parental neglect). I see babies with babies. I see boys lashing out in anger towards one another. I see girls disrespecting their minds and bodies. I see boys disrespecting girls and girls disrespecting boys. I see emptiness. I see aimlessness. I see hopelessness. I see shamelessness. I see adults trapped in youngins’ bodies wishing they could escape; yet, still believing they are grown enough to pave the way to success. Yet, some don’t care to be successful.

I see mothers smiling proudly at an ill mannered young child whose voice is unpleasant and rude to those around. I see fathers neglecting their parental roles in other ways; avoiding being a father or physically present but not mentally there. I witness parents being friends to their children rather than disciplinarians. Today’s youth is lost but not to their own fault. How is a child to direct him/herself when he/she lacks the most crucial thing; a role model to follow and respect.

I remember when I was young it took a village to raise a child. If a child misbehaved the whole community stepped in to educate and direct that one child. The worst parts of American culture seem to dictate new standards to our adults and youth alike. The worst parts of American culture seem to have removed the innocence from our youth; forcing them into an adult-like role at a very young age. Who is to blame? Parents? Media? Technology? The education system? Our youth? Freedom (in an exaggerated form of freedom)? Or is it all of the previously stated combined?

I write this not to judge nor to blame but rather to find solutions; solutions to help our youth heal today, so they can lead tomorrow. I write this with love. I believe that our youth are only as strong as our adults. However, I fear that when today’s babies are having babies and parents are no longer parents, how does our next generation become a Barack Obama, a Sonya Sotomayor, or just simply educated, respectful and successful adults!

This post is well over due but as you know, I have a Boo Bear to deal with, so time is of the essence.

This past Valentines Day I was left speechless with disgust as I witnessed the most horrific scene at our local Applebee’s.

As most of you know, my husband and I do not celebrate Valentines Day for a number of reasons. However, Malik’s mom was visiting us that day and wanted to go out for lunch. Her choice of venue: Applebees. Now, since arriving in the US in 2007, I have never experienced Valentines Day in a public way. Malik and I always stay home on this day; so, to my surprise, I was shocked, literally, into silence, when I witnessed the following scenario.

As we were half way through our meal, a young couple was seated next to us for lunch. At first, everything seemed to be in place. Here was a young man taking his lady out for a meal. Sweet, right? Guess again.

About 15 minutes after they were seated, their food had arrived. From there everything went down hill for this poor young man. His date instantly threw a tantrum. With raised eyebrows, piercing eyes and deathly tone she stated “what is this? This is not broccoli!” For a moment, I looked up at her like she was crazy. That lasted a moment though because it turned out she was a total nut. Her date was like a scared puppy dog, confused on what to do; yet, he signaled for the waiter to come over.

As the waiter approached, she said “what is this? I asked for broccoli.” So, the waiter stated that they were out of broccoli since it was a busy business day and that they had served the mixed seasonal vegetables instead. With her eyebrows now at a 90 degree angle and her eyes piercing anger and fear into her boyfrind and then the waiter, she demanded “I want to speak to the manager.” I thought to myself, how odd, all this hullabaloo over a side of seasonal vegetables.

The manager approached, apologizing for the lack of broccoli, stating that he would change the entire meal with no charge. At this, the young woman just rolled her eyes, looked at her date and waved her hand NO! The manager continued to explain the situation further but she was not willing to hear another word.

After about a 7 minute argument about broccoli and seasonal vegetables the lady stands up, puts her coat on, glares at her date and walks out of the restaurant; leaving her date fumbling with his meal, glasses, keys and wallet. I was in complete and utter shock, as were so many other customers there that afternoon.

This is just one incident that I witnessed of many similarly maddening situations. The sad part about all of this is that I realize that for too many women, a relationship is rarely about the quality time spent together and more so about where they dine, what gifts they receive, what holidays are celebrated and how they define appreciation.

Ladies, a strong and successful relationship is not built or based on what restaurant you dine at or what vegetables come with your side. Ladies, stop looking and man-made holidays for love and appreciation. Focus on finding a good man who loves you 365 days a year, who appreciates you 365 days a year, who will be a good husband to you 365 days a year, who will be a good father to your children 365 days a year and who will randomly show you his love in his own way through the year.

Men, PLEASE STOP CATERING TO WOMENS INSECURITIES AND MAN-MADE HOLIDAYS. Give only when YOU want to and avoid forced traditions because you think it is expected of you. Show your woman your love in your own unique way. Once you begin to do that you will be happier, sincerer and more respected.

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a while now. I often break one of the biggest cardinal rules of blogging which is 1. To make your posts frequent. I’ve broke that rule some time ago, but I’m going to make the effort to not only make these posts more frequent, but more diverse. (inshallah)

So about 3 months ago I listened to a lecture by the late Dr. Amos Wilson on understanding the roots of power in culture. By far Dr. Wilson was one of the premier experts on human consciousness and many other pan-African related areas of interest. One very eye-opening area of interest was his explanation of how there are “vehicles” that are used in society to augment and distort your sense of values, consciousness, and level of cultural morality.

Now when he says “vehicles” he is not referring to Maybachs, Hondas, or even an investment vehicle, he is actually referring to mass media vehicles like television, music, print media and societal indoctrination vehicles by cultures outside of your own. One of the reasons I found this topic so interesting is I often find people discounting how the power of imagery and words can control minds and human behavior. A post I did a while back called “True Cost of Music”, touches on this topic quite a bit. This past Friday at Jumu’ah, (an obligatory congregational prayer/lecture that Muslims attend for Duhr [noon prayer] ), the Khateeb (speaker) said, “There are three areas that you need to watch out for when it comes to proper worship”:

1. Nafs (ego/self)
2. Satan
3. The people you keep as friends

For the sake of this post, I want to stay focused on the 1st bullet in regards to culture. There are 7 heads of evil when we talk about Nafs, and they are the following:

1. False Pride
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Lust
5. Back Biting (Gossiping)
6. Stinginess
7. Malice

The main head I want to talk about is False Pride. If you listened to the entire segment by Dr. Amos Wilson, the root of what he is trying to explain is this: Ideas of self, role of self, and identity of self can be augmented through vehicles under the consciousness of your mind. Not only can your identity be manipulated to your own demise, but you can be used as a conduit to empower the standards of others. Meaning: Just because you think something is not happening from a physical standpoint, while you are unable to identify the point of manipulation does not mean you are not being manipulated. Central to the term, Quiet Weapons for Silent Wars. This is one of the main reasons why I stopped actively listening to music and have severely pulled back on what I watch. My wife and I restrict our viewing to mostly documentaries and other “Front-line C-SPANian friendly” material. Like Pinocchio being a puppet, human beings can be a puppet by identifying with an “Artificial Identity”, hence False Pride.

This is not a light matter, a recent study by Standford and Princeton university came to the conclusion that men objectify women by observing semi-nude images. How is it that a culture of objectifying women has now become normalized?

The research, conducted by a team including Princeton psychologist Susan Fiske, who first presented the findings in mid-February at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, found that pictures of bikini-clad women activated brain regions associated with objects or tools.

Keep in mind that these are “semi-nude” images (e.g bikini) and not full blown nudity. I’m curious what that study would have revealed with full blown nudity. These results by Dr. Susan Fiske have been posted on hundreds of blogs, and the responses are quite dismissive. Not surprising, considering the average person is unwilling to have an honest level of self-critical analysis regarding their personal sensibilities. I have to be honest, I walk by those newsstands on the NYC train platform and the advertising windows are riddled with imagery after imagery of “soft-pornesque” women draped across various covers for profit. I can guarantee that they’ll be a bunch a men hanging around like a bunch of deviant vultures drooling over the next breast or booty sex pose.

Not to say I didn’t dabble in such material in the past, but I’m not going to deceive myself and act like these images did not augment my view of women in a negative light. In the words of Thomas Sowell, This is Stage One Thinking. To think that society is not paying a price for the often hyper-sexualized identity of women is quite shocking. Obviously I am not the gate keeper of women’s identity or sexuality. That is not my role, although many might accuse me of such acts because they misinterpret my language. I just think we have mountains of evidences from many areas of thought (scientific and religious) to realize that a behavioral change is due on the type of images we bring into our minds, and our household, irrespective of gender. To discount the negative impact is being dishonest. There is a severe level of cognitive dissonance when a man says he respects a women, but then indulges in imagery that is the exact opposite of what his belief claims to be.

The study above is just one example, but “False Pride” can fall into many other categories like child rearing, personal finance, culture, morality and various other behavioral sciences. In many instances, certain types of behavior not only disempower you, but destroy the glue that keeps your community and your relationships healthy. Sometimes we want to see an immediate result, like turning a light switch on and off. Self deception is a characteristic that can happen over several years, not to mention your entire life. Like a stream of water that smoothes the surface of a jagged rock over hundreds, if not thousands of years. These changes are gradual and cannot be captured in a moment. It’s not until you pull back, will you then be able to see the bigger picture.

• Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business by Neil Postman
• Al-Ghazali on Disciplining the Soul and on Breaking the Two Desires: Books XXII and XXIII of the Revival of the Religious Sciences by T. J. Winter
• Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini
• The Secret Sales Pitch: An Overview of Subliminal Advertising by August Bullock
• Applied Economics: Beyond Stage One Thinking by Thomas Sowell
• Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell

Welcome to Part III of What’s Eating Malik. You can view Part I and Part II. If you are reading this you are probably asking, “Who are you to give a blog on relationships?” To be honest, I asked myself the same thing, but why not? The things you hear in this post, you will not hear anywhere else. This is the only post that’s apart of the What’s Eating Malik series that won’t cite supporting quotes from books, articles, notes, etc. on the behavioral/character dysfunctions that I talk about. Why? Because there is no book that will provide the silver bullet on a happy relationship. I will cite historical facts, but that’s it. It’s a case by case basis and this post is about my own personal experiences in relationships. Currently I am happily married and have been married for a little bit over a year. I’ve known my wife since 2003. Of course she wasn’t my wife then and was just a friend who I talked to from time to time.

1. I’m really tired of seeing so many people in unhappy relationships and not changing their behavior, then wondering why their relationships are still sour.
2. I have given a lot of advice on relationships in the past (including today) and wanted to summarize all my relationship research, personal experiences and the experiences of others.
3. You might not agree with everything I have to say, but you will re-think a lot of what you thought was the “norms” of your relationship. I was “Jonesed” for a while in my past relationships, but then had the sense to change my behavior which I think was one of the reasons why I was able to find my wife. Of course, all praises to Allah for his guidance.

Okay, so let’s just get right into it. Keep in mind that this post is for people who are looking to get married and who are already married. When I say relationship, that’s what I’m referring to. I’m going to cover a couple of different topics that are related to behavior, character and following questionable traditions. These are the three areas of a relationship that usually undermine most relationships. If you cannot correct these three areas, then the whole entire relationship falls apart. These behaviors cover men and women. They are NOT gender specific.

Let’s cover the first part:
I. Having an arrogant character

By far one of the most destructive traits that any human being can have, but is often fused into the relationship when it comes to getting married and during marriage. I’m going to spend a lot of time in this section, because there are so many acts that are related to this. This character trait usually results in the person setting unrealistic expectations coupled with a bullet-proof superiority complex. You could give this person a galaxy, and they would ask for the universe, give this person a universe and then they’ll ask you if you can provide them with their own version of the Big Bang. It never ends, and trust me, it never ends. Just like the universe, their level of self entitlement keeps growing. Just when you thought you’ve provided complete happiness, they’ll bump it up a notch. It’s a losing battle and best to move on if you find yourself in any of these situations.

Now in the past I’ve met a lot of arrogant women, but they actually don’t think they are arrogant. And I know a lot of women who have told me their escapades with arrogant men. Here are some of the levels of arrogance.

1. Beauty/handsome arroganceThis type of arrogance is really hard to correct, because society has built up this person’s ego to the point where they feel they have the right to be unreasonable because they are deemed more attractive than the average person. It’s awful because society, peers, acquaintances, strangers, and even co-workers play right into their game. They know they can get away with being unreasonable because of their beauty/handsomeness, so they use it as tool for power and control. Now keep in mind that there are different types of beauty/handsome arrogance. Some are body-type and/or face arrogance. There is also intra-racial beauty arrogance. Sometimes a person within a particular race has a unique trait. Because of this unique trait, they sometimes are loved or resented. Skin color, eye color, hair texture, and body-type all fall into the category of beauty/handsome arrogance.
   In some instances, lighter skinned vs dark skinned, wide nose vs thinner nose, woolly textured hair vs straight hair, wide hips vs small hips, heavy set vs slim. In the end, its ridiculous set of superficial circumstances to gauge the character of a person.

   I want to take a moment to really zero in the last set of sentences that I just wrote because I see it as a problem for many. By far the top characteristics that get a lot of attention is skin color and hair texture. I’m not going to specifically call out any culture or race, but whoever you are and wherever you may be in the world, listen up:

   STOP USING HOW LIGHT OR DARK SKINNED SOMEONE’S SKIN COLOR APPEARS AND WHETHER THEIR HAIR IS STRAIGHT OR NOT WHILE USING IT AS SOME TYPE OF EXCLUSIVE SUPERIOR BEAUTY CRITERIA

   Now why do I say this? Because to this day, people in the United States of America and around the world continue to gauge a lighter skinned person more beautiful than a darker skinned person. I want to list specific countries, but I don’t want to offend anyone. Put it this way, if you live or are from any country that resides in any of the 7 continents, then it’s happening in your country or your culture. To be honest, it infuriates me so much that people use terms like “fair” skin, not seeing the repressed self hate behind what they are saying. This link explains it perfectly:

   Fair Skin = Desirable
   http://innerreflectionstranscribed.wordpress.com…

   You know who you are. The bottom line: STOP IT. Stop denying that you are doing it and you should say something whenever associates, especially close friends or family uses skin color without considering the content of someone’s character first. You are just perpetuating self hate and ostracizing the darker skinned people in your race and other races. They are just as beautiful and marriageable as anyone else. Don’t let skin color and hair texture come between you marrying a great person. Now keep in mind that this I don’t have some vendetta against lighter skinned individuals. I would be a hypocrite if I felt that way. My issue is the exclusivity that is sometimes given to lighter-skinned individuals that is allowed to flourish with the different races around the world. I met my wife online, and I didn’t even know what she looked liked until 6 months later.

   Some people might be reading this, and thinking it’s absurd or don’t really understand what I’m talking about. If you feel confused or astonished, then send me an email and I’ll explain the history of self-hate, how it started, and how it’s connected to race. I’m not going to put my email on here because I will get spammed so just go to facebook and search for Malik Abdul Rasheed. Send me your phone number or I can send mine and we should be able to cover this in three 1 hour sessions. If you don’t have a Facebook account, not a problem. I’m sure you have a friend that has a Facebook account and then they can send me an email on behalf of you. I’m very friendly and cuddly. I’m not going to berate you or get mad at you for not knowing or being aware of this. Truthfully I just want people to be informed.

   Also in this category is, “I was considered ugly/poor and/or nerd by my peers when I was younger and now I’m considered beautiful/handsome/rich/successful” arrogance. You have to be very careful with the people who fall into this category. Let’s be honest, teenagers can be mean and brutally honest. During our adolescent years we don’t know how we are going to develop and look. Sometimes we blossom late and like the ugly duckling we turn into a swan after. The problem with people who fall into category is, they cannot get over the people who doubted them, made fun of them, or neglected them in the past. Now they have to prove something and proving something means they will be a tyrant to their spouse and the world around them. They can’t come to the simple conclusion that some people are flawed and superficial and no matter how much respect you show them, they’ll stomp on your heart and make your life miserable. For these people, it’s payback forever and until the world bows to their feet, they will never get over it.

2. I have an advanced degree arroganceBy far, one of the most bizarre forms of arrogance, but the root of this arrogance is this person believes that that their degree makes them smarter than you or gives them a higher status in society. Even if you have the same level of education, for some reason they believe that their degree is better than yours. If you have a lower degree than them, get ready for demeaning, condescending, and passive aggressive remarks that all relate to how unintelligent they think you are. In today’s society, people put too much emphasis on degrees. I have met people with degrees higher and lower than mine and it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the mind. If you have an advanced degree, that’s great. Just be happy that you got an education and be humble about it. No one cares that you went to this or that school. Whether you have a higher education or not, if you have bad character, you could seriously put in jeopardy the human balance in your relationship.
3. I had a hard life but I made it arroganceNow if you grew up with hard life and had a whole bunch of awful things happen to you, shouldn’t you be happy that you survived the turmoil? For some reason, these individuals have to toot their own horn 24/7 about how they got out of this or that situation. Now if you didn’t have it as hard, get ready for deep repressed rage and jealousy because you might have had it easier. Now you must pay for their pain. When I say “pay”, I’m not necessarily talking about money. You’ll have to pay in meeting their unrealistic expectations and you will never hear the end of it. This also falls into the category of “victimization arrogance”

   On the opposite side is “I had a hard life and life is still tough for me arrogance”. I actually don’t have an answer for this situation other than I hope that life gets easier for this person and he or she can find it in their heart to use their hardships as a lesson to turn their life around. There are no easy answers. When life tests us, we will either fold or persevere. I have the most sympathy for people in this situation, but being arrogant is not the answer. At the same time, I have been graced with so many blessings (which I’m so grateful of), so what do I know. Patiently persevere, remain on the straight path, be hopeful, and keep striving.

4. Fashion arroganceI’m not exactly sure why, but for some odd reason, people actually believe that dressing in expensive or trendy clothing is actually an asset. Keep in mind that clothing is a depreciating asset, so I’m not exactly sure why anyone would expend thousands and thousands on clothing that goes down in value. As if I should respect you more because you have the latest fashions off the rack. I have encountered numerous people who have somehow brainwashed themselves into believing that dressing like Hollywood actors/actresses, entertainers, following the trends of models means that I’m owed more respect. Let’s be clear, stained pieces of leather and cotton with pagan symbols on it does not mean anything. Many people have bought into the so-called “status” that comes with being perceived as someone who dresses in the latest fashions. Now I’m not saying that dressing in the latest fashions is a problem, NO of course not. It’s the attitude that comes with the clothing that you need to drop. Fashion arrogance’s closest cousin is “I have money or I look like I have wealth” arrogance which I explain below. If you have good fashion sense, great, but this exclusivity you think comes with your clothing is imagined.
5. My race, nationality or tribe is superior arroganceSome people obsess over nationality and the history of their ancestors or tribe at a dysfunctional pace. It’s nice to reflect on the achievements and greatness of your past, but keep it in the past. In many instances there are actions that our ancestors did, that have transformed the life that we live today which makes us feel proud, knowing we are tied to that greatness. Be very careful, because there is thin line between inner pride and prideful arrogance. When I say prideful arrogance, there is this tendency for people to believe that there race, nationality, or tribe is better than another race, nationality or tribe. Basically they act out this inner pride in select circumstances and situations. This “acting out” can happen anywhere, the way they practice religion, how they treat members in the family, friends, work associates and obviously their marriage
6. I had bad relationships in the past therefore I’m going to compare you to my past relationships arroganceThis is really simple. If you are going to live in the past, then your current relationships will share the same level of insecurity and failure that you had in the past. Both men and women are guilty of this. I just don’t understand why a person would compare apples to oranges. If you have someone that has a different character and behavior, why hold him or her to a standard that existed for someone else?
7. I have a prestigious job arroganceAlthough somewhat related to “I have money” arrogance, it’s a little bit different. This type of person lives for the status and wealth that their job provides. All they talk about is their job and how much money they make. They enjoy the exclusive lunches with executives and the movers/shakers in their respective industry. It will take them less than 1/100th of a millisecond to start blabbing how they had to fly to this and that country for a business trip. They won’t say it, but anyone who has a lower pay than them is seen as a serf. Their nose is so high in the air that airplanes will clip their noses as they come in for a landing.
8. I’m friends and/or associated with people who are wealth/famous arroganceAnother word for this is “coat-tail” arrogance. For some strange reason these people feel they are important because they might know someone famous or hangout with other people who are wealthy or famous. Now keep in mind that these “coat-tailers” don’t necessarily have to have any wealth or fame, but they live vicariously through their wealthy/ famous friends/acquaintances. Now if you don’t live up to the standard of their acquaintances, you get the passive aggressive, “Uh why can’t you be like _____________” or “You should do stuff more like ____________”. This type of arrogance usually morphs itself into “I don’t have money but I’m going to look like I do” arrogance.
9. I can change him or her arroganceBy far, one of the most stubborn forms of arrogance. The root cause of this arrogance usually stems from “I think I’m smarter than you or I have a better way that you can be” arrogance. Basically who you are and how you behave is seen as something that needs refining. Now it doesn’t necessarily matter whether their constructive criticism is valid or not. As long as they think you should change, then you should change. Once again, be very weary of people like this. Let’s be clear, you can’t change the behavioral foundation of a person, unless they want to change. If you don’t like the general behavior of a person, then why are you with them? Once you make the choice to marry someone, it’s only right that you respect them. Who made you judge and jury anyway?
10. I think I’m smarter than you arroganceAlthough this is somewhat related to the “I have an advanced degree” arrogance, I decided to separate this out, because this type of arrogance is based on a set of criteria that has absolutely nothing to do with reason and more to do with personal opinion. Irrespective of facts, this person feels that they are smarter than you and will demean you at home, in public, in front of family just to show how smart he or she thinks they are. In many instances this person is devoid of logic and reason. As long as he or she feels they are right, then they are right. If you tell them that 1 + 1 = 2, they’ll say, No, 1 + 1 = 4, because if you count the 2 lines that make up the plus sign (+), then that equals 4. Regardless of the topic, whether it’s politics, social issues, family matters, child rearing, etc they always think they are right. You’d be better off trying to figure out how a black hole is created, than trying to figure out why they think so illogically.
11. I have money or I look like I have wealth arroganceI saved this one for last, because material arrogance supersedes all other forms of arrogance. When a person takes on this type of arrogance get ready for plantation treatment. He or she is nobility and you are the serf. Because this person appears to be financially empowered he or she will remind you constantly on how poor you are. Things like, “Hey why don’t we do _____________ or why can’t we do _____________ or why can’t we buy _____________”. Now either you will be forced to stretch what little money you have to meet their unrealistic life style demands or go into bankruptcy. Now clearly this person has more money than you, so obviously he or she would pay a larger portion of the bills than you. Nevertheless you are caught in this rich vs poor passive aggressive behavior in your relationship. This arrogance is the epitome of “Jonesing”. It’s all about their lifestyle, material assets, and how good both of you look together. You’ll have a never ending list of material goals that you’ll have to eclipse every year. Credit cards will be maxed out, living check to check, no cash in the bank with a net worth in the negative. This person is a cash destroyer and doesn’t believe in saving for a rainy day or being modest. For them saving for a rainy day is buying a $300 dollar umbrella. This is also related to “Material things makes me think I’m better than you” arrogance. Typically they lust after the so-called “finer” things in life like exclusive neighborhood, expensive watches, digital devices, exotic getaways on some far off island. If they don’t own or can do any of these things, inside their minds they are constantly lusting after these things. Also keep in mind that people who fall into this category are not always cash rich or are actually wealthy. In many instances, they actually look like they have a lot of money, but a lot of their purchases are bought on debt and they are cash poor.

Below is an animated chart that shows the relationship between arrogance and unrealistic expectations:

II. Why am I participating in these traditions?

If you thought the above was controversial, then you haven’t seen anything yet. By far, this section is the more debatable part of this post. Some will accuse me of gender bias, but for those who know me personally, know that I’m the last person to fall into this category. My wife Sarah will provide her opinion on the topic in this section so we can get a woman’s point of view. I’m probably the only man on the planet, other than Tom Leykis that is diametrically opposed to the following traditions, but here goes:

1. Valentine’s DayBy far the most hated, dreaded and feared day for hundreds of millions of young adult men around the world. I’ll never forget the first time I was indoctrinated with this pagan tradition. It usually starts out around kindergarten during an innocent class project where you create little valentines cards then give them to your classmates. For some daring students, they might give each other plastic flowers. Maybe we were even tasked to create a little Valentine’s Day card for our mother and father. We bring these little crayola stained pieces of construction paper home for our parents and there are instant smiles from ear to ear. Awww..how cute.

   As the grades go by, and we enter into adulthood, somehow the stakes start getting a lot higher. The construction paper made card has now transformed to $5 dollar hallmark cards. The plastic flowers have now transformed to $100-$200 dollar roses. The McDonalds meal for 2 has now transformed to expensive dinners, and so on and so forth. Expensive gift exchanges for the so-called “sake of love”. The amazing part about this whole entire charade is not once, and I do mean this literally, once did any person ever ask me, “Do you want to express yourself to me in this way”? One of the biggest issues with Valentines Day is it’s a corporate tradition. A mindless tradition that has been imposed on men, with no consideration of our feelings or how we’d like to express ourselves. Just do what you are told and keep you mouth shut. No human being wants to be told how to do something and when they should do it, and if they don’t do it, they are seen as loveless and inconsiderate. What happened to the other 364 days of the year? Let me be clear, although most men don’t have the nerve to actually tell the truth about how they feel about Valentine’s Day, I’ll be the first to put out the truth. Most men hate this day. They do it with much contempt and actually resent you for imposing such a ridiculous pagan holiday on them. They do it, because they don’t want to hear you complain. Not all women do this, but I have talked to enough of my married friends, to know that they would rather jump into a pit of sharks than go through another mindless and imposed routine of Valentine’s Day.

   How do you think a man feels when he has to bow down to a tradition because society says so? For the record I love my wife and don’t need the help of some foolish pagan tradition that was spawned from some Christian martyr name Valentine of Tern that was killed by Catholics in the 200th century. I find it ironic that the fans of Valentine’s Day talk about how important it is to feel special. Hmm…let’s look at the definition again, shall we?

   Special: Surpassing what is common or usual; exceptional: a special occasion; a special treat.

   It’s interesting that a person would feel special on a day that billions of people mindlessly do the same thing. Same ole overpriced flowers, over-crowded restaurants, stale chocolate, etc. “Joe” and “Jane” public expecting gifts and other forms of lavish treatment because of the killing of the now so-called St Valentine. I treat my wife like a queen everyday, and I don’t have to prove my love on Valentine’s Day. As if our whole entire relationship is riding on the perfection of this one day. I’m not saying that there aren’t some merits to spending quality time with your significant other and making them feel special, but how Valentine’s Day became the de-facto standard day of love is just ridiculous. Most men resent being financial fleeced for the so-called sake of love, and if they go against this day, they are treated like hot steaming pile of smelly garbage. No venom could be hotter than the criticism you’ll get if you don’t participate in the Valentine’s Day routine.

   When you really love someone one, you come to an intelligent consensus on the minor and the major things in life, not to mention you are mindful of their true feelings. When Sarah and I feel like treating each other to something, it’s dynamic. There is no concrete prescription to our love. It flows like water and effortlessly moves about however it’s sees fit. Every molecule moving to the next moment in a shapeless, but controlled fashion. On Valentine’s Day, I look at the glib and distant faces of the men, and I have to laugh. Why? Because I was there and remember the deep seated resentment I had for being told like dog, how I should express the love I had in my heart. As if, Valentine’s Day is the only moment where I have to prove myself to my significant other. I’m sure there are some women who feel the way a lot of guys do on V-Day, but they are few and far between.

2. Anniversaries and other mindless events that fall into the “lets be special today” tradition.I’m not going to spend too much time on this section because some of these things are not that big of a deal. Our (Sarah and I) 1 year anniversary just passed, our marriage date was September 8th, 2007. Want to know what my wife and I did for our 1 year anniversary? Absolutely nothing. And when I say nothing, I do mean nothing. I came home from work and I gave my wife a hug and a kiss. That was it. We reflected on what has happened over the first year and that was it. No jewelry, gift exchanges, no fancy dinners, no hallmark cards, no roses, no special dinners at home. Zero. Not to say that we won’t do any of these things in the future, but we are not going to relegate 365 days after the point we made a decision to do something as the climax of celebratory appreciation for that day. Whenever we feel like going all out, that’s when we’ll do it. Everyday I come home to see my wife is an anniversary.

   There are so many day-to-day acts where Sarah and I show our appreciation for each other. We don’t have to play the “lets be special today” game. In many instances a lot of couples play this game. Before and after the so-called “anniversary” they might resent each other, then they play the “lets act like we love each other game”, not to mention trivializing the merits of what a marriage means and acting like there are not serious underlining problems in the relationship.

   What’s really interesting about the “lets be special for today” traditions, is no matter how much the relationship is in turmoil couples persist in participating in these traditions. How about addressing the core issues with your relationship first before you camouflage the problems with blind tradition? I say this, because this is something I used to do, and it was a pattern that I recognized in a lot of other relationships. As if, the magic in your relationship will be sparked by playing “make believe” for a day.

   The root problem in many of these “lets be special for a day” routines, is it’s just that, a routine. In many instances there are unrealistic expectations attached to these “special” days, as if fireworks will fly out of your eyes and your heart will be so moved with romance that it will explode with emotion. Sorry, but life is not a romance novel, romantic movie and the intimacy that you build into a relationship is based on true and honest intentions. Being selfish and not considering how the other person feels is not a recipe for success. It’s a recipe for resentment and mistrust, not to mention long-term unhappiness.

3. Engagement RingsAs usual I save the best for last. Many of you are probably saying, “Oh no, not the engagement ring!” Oh yes, Oh yes my friends, we are going to talk about the engagement ring. In my view the history of the engagement ring is DeBeer’s, Tiffany’s, Blue Nile’s, Zale’s and host of other diamond/jewelry companies’ best kept secret. As long as we don’t talk about the manipulative tactics of how the engagement ring was marketed into the homes of millions, if not billions we can be rest assured that the practice of the engagement ring is a well warranted tradition. I’m here to tell you that the tradition of the engagement ring is unwarranted and in many instances creates unnecessary financial pressure, not to mention a pocket full of resentment to boot.

   Before I get into the current state of the engagement ring we first have to go back roughly 130 years to find out how diamonds became a girl’s best friend during pre-marriage. In 1880 DeBeers (started by Cecil Rhodes) eventually owned roughly 60% of the diamond market, including supply, distribution, and manufacturing. Within 10 years the now famous De Beers Consolidated Mines Ltd. was formed by the Englishman Cecil John Rhodes to control the sale of diamonds throughout the world. Even today they control 65% of the world’s diamond trade. Now here’s where it gets controversial the concept of “diamonds are forever” was psychological cemented into the minds of millions:

   

   The History of the Engagement Ring
   http://www.diamondwholesalecorporation.com

   From 1880 De Beers were able to control the supply (and price) of diamonds but how were they going to control demand during a period when sales began dropping dramatically (up to 50%) in the 20s and 30s onwards through the great depression?

   Just as platinum started to become popular in diamond engagement rings, diamonds were becoming less valued. Platinum was banned for all but war use during WWII and so the platinum diamond engagement rings as we know them today almost died out.

   The answer to the problem was a new marketing campaign commissioned by De Beers that began in 1947. Perhaps you’ve heard the slogan “A Diamond is forever”? This was to mark the beginning of a change in the history of the engagement ring.

   Subsequent campaigns would convince families to hold on to their diamonds as family heirlooms… and it worked! Used diamonds were not being released back into the industry which in turn created the demand that De Beers were seeking.

   Jewelers were unofficially educated by De Beers to instruct men that two to three months personal wages were an ideal price to pay for the diamond engagement ring that their prospective fiancée’s would gladly accept.

   In 1953 the world’s two most glamorous women of the time Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell were the stars of the hit film musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

   The plot involves Monroe and Russell chasing potential husbands on a cruise to France. The movie also features a very famous song sung by the blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe, Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend.

   This film would have undoubtedly influenced public opinion at the time and will have advanced the popularity of diamonds for years afterwards through Hollywood glamour.

   The film is now 50 years old but it’s still a firm favorite of all who love Hollywood and the legend of Monroe. (Of course there are others: High Society, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, Diamonds Are Forever among them)

   This is where the tradition of the diamond engagement ring really started, all from an advertising campaign that literally “rocked” the world! (Get it? “rocked”…. okay I’ll shut up!) So you see buying a diamond engagement ring isn’t really a popular ancient tradition.

   It’s more a combination of “dreaming of being a princess”, a clever marketing campaign and compelling Hollywood glamour that ultimately promotes diamonds as the only jewels with which to furnish your loved one as a sign of engagement.

   Now keep in mind that this history was unashamedly provided by a diamond wholesaler. If you look at the bottom of the page, the company shamelessly concludes with the following:

   The 21st Century
   The history of the engagement ring has moved on and demand for diamonds and platinum diamond engagement rings is still rising. The tradition is here to stay. Estimated 78% of all engagement rings sold every year are diamond.

   It would seem that no matter what you personally decide, she’ll be expecting a diamond! Free expert advice on diamonds and diamond engagement rings will be given by our Gemologists, via E-Mail or Phone:

   Call Toll Free: 1-800-555-5555 for your Engagement Ring

   See Engagement Rings-Click here!

   The arrogance of these diamond companies is beyond words. Here’s a short story that really captures the essence of why I’m opposed to the engagement/diamond ring. This is a true story that happened around 2000. I can’t remember all the details of the moment, so I’ve have plugged what I can remember, but it went something like this:

   I’ll never forget, let’s call him Jim, was telling me his engagement ring escapades. He was telling me how he was really stressed about finding the right engagement ring. He says this, with glibness and unseemliness, “Dwayne, doesn’t it have to be 3-4 months of your annual salary?” Unknowingly I shrug. He continues, “Man it’s perfect, I got the perfect diamond, but whoa, did it cost me. Roughly around $6-7,000 dollars”. My eyes go wide like an owl. Now inside my head, I’m going, “Say what? Who created these dumb rules anyway? Why should I spend 4 months of my salary just to let someone know that I want to marry them? Shouldn’t our courting be enough?” Nevertheless, Jim continues to go on and on, swooning between regret, fear, excitement, anxiety, resentment, “I guess I just have to”, feelings, and uneasiness throughout the conversation.

   I’ll never forget Jim’s face as he told me this story. Like Mike Tyson when he got punched out by Buster Douglas. Just completely defeated and had no idea what to do next. No guy in his right mind would ever say what they really think of this tradition, because he knows the level of critical heat he will get from his wife to be, the family of the wife, the friends of the wife, and the fear of receiving society’s disapproval from his so-called “cheapness” and “lack of love”. He’ll be labeled as a bum and accused of not really being serious of commitment. Now how DeBeers got to have more “say-so” in what is deemed acceptable and not acceptable engagement tradition is what I have issue with. The fact that the engagement ring is now a requirement before marriage because of a slick marketing program is insane. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Oprah, Dr. Phil, Ebony, the relationship sections of magazines, Seventeen, Men’s Health, Mademoiselle, King, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Glamour, Marie Claire, Men’s Fitness have more say so on how a man is supposed to “behave” in a relationship, now multi-international diamond companies get to set the pre-guidelines of a decision that will impact me and the women I marry for the rest of our life. Is this not absurd?

   Then we wonder why the divorce rate for marriages in this country is 50%, and of those relationships where the couple is still married and it seems like only 38% of marriages would be considered “happy”. Now what’s wrong with this equation? That means roughly 20% of all marriages are somewhat successful. Under no circumstances am I saying that the diamond ring is exclusively responsible for the divorce rate. What I’m trying to say is imposing traditions on people because “that’s they way it is” creates resentment. Now with all the technology we have to disseminate information, books on relationships, countless books on why divorces happen, and how to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, how is it that we still can’t get it right? As individuals, we are such an arrogant, narcissistic, inconsiderate and conceited group of people, while being ignorant of some of the most basic human characteristics, which is required to maintain a happy relationship. Irrespective of how dangerously inconsiderate our behavior is to the one we say “we love”, whenever there is some entity out there, whether it be some so-called celebrity personality, opinionated friends, uninformed family members, corporations, or societies that caters to our superficial desires and fears, we fall for it hook, line and sinker. Now if you are not going to think of how the other person feels about something, why are you getting married? Are you just getting married because society says it’s time to get married? Do you have some type of tyrannical vendetta against your spouse?

   Now for everything that I’ve said, I realize that we live in a free country and if you’ve chosen or succumbed to the diamond engagement ring as the pre-marriage tradition of choice, I’ll assume that you did it for the right reasons. If you are a man, and you genuinely wanted to participate in this act for the sake of love, then that’s great. If you are a woman, and you genuinely felt the diamond engagement ring was optional and it was irrelevant whether he did or not, then kudos to you. It’s really about the giver’s and receiver’s intention.

   One of the main reasons why I chose not to participate in the diamond engagement tradition, because I felt the tradition was imposed on. Why should so much pressure be put on my shoulders because Cecil Rhodes decided to start a diamond company and create a slick marketing company to make his company more profitable? The merits of his marketing campaign symbolizes the superficiality and blistering ignorance that contributes to unheard of levels of resentment in today’s marriages? I mean, how would woman feel, if a company called DeMean marketed a campaign that said women are required to cook and clean the house for the first 3 years of marriage while the man sits on the couch and does absolutely nothing? Now if you opposed the idea, society accused you of being a bad would-be wife. Then magazine writers, and celebrity journalists started jumping in the fray saying all women who don’t do this are inconsiderate and don’t’ deserve to be with any man?

   Another reason I didn’t participate in the diamond engagement is I didn’t want the engagement ring to become the “make it or break it” on whether my soon to be wife would want to get married to me. One of the most important decisions I made was to tell my wife to be, that I don’t and will not participate in the diamond engagement ring tradition. I told her this in the first year. Here is Sarah’s response after I told her that:

   “Had you bought me a diamond engagement ring, I would have given t right back to you because I am not with. I’m not with you because of some pagan ring tradition, I want to be with you and you don’t need to offer expensive externalities for the sake of love to prove that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. Your behavior, consideration, and actions over the past few years are enough. How could I believe otherwise?”

   In the end, it’s a personal choice that everyone has to make. Keep in mind that this is not just my opinion. I have talked to enough married and soon-to-be married men, that they only did it because they had to, but didn’t really want to. Not out of inconsideration for their spouse, but for many of the reasons that I just mentioned above, but didn’t have the courage to say anything. For some women, they don’t care. Irrespective of the intention, they are getting, as they say today “a ring on their finger”. It’s nice to know that a man’s feeling means nothing, while DeBeers profit margins and how your friends/family/random strangers thoughts about the value of your marriage mean everything.

   My last and final point is I also think the engagement ring is putting the cart before the horse. Now you just got married and people are making this staggering investment into the engagement ring. I think it would be more appropriate to participate in such a tradition maybe 5-10 years in when the marriage has a bit more meat on the bones. The way people do it today is as if they won the marathon already. You are just in the first lap and you are already celebrating. The celebration doesn’t really come, until a bit more time has passed. Once again, just my opinion, but some of these pre-marriage acts are a bit premature.

   Here are some words of wisdom from my wife Sarah:

   As a woman, I have found it hard, one too many times, to stand by and watch other women claim this right to self-entitlement and a twisted form of self satisfaction. Women today seem to feel that a man is only “worthy” of her time and love if he is providing material “rewards” in return (sometimes even ahead of time). Since when has a good relationship been measured by how much money a man has or how much he can provide on a material level? What happened to a man being measured based on his character and ability to be a good husband and a good father? Unfortunately, today’s relationships consist of all these dates and events that were dictated by corporations and expected of people (specifically men) to adhere to.

   I will start with Valentines Day. Who is St. Valentines? Why does he have such a strong hold on us today? Why do we, as women, feel that men should wine us and dine us and over spend on this day? Why should we, as loving spouses limit ourselves or limit our loved ones to feel special or fully loved only on this specific day? Why should this day dictate to us how and when to show our love to a spouse? Why should material objects be the measurement for how much we love someone? What does this day really represent? As Malik already pointed out, it is a mindless, corporate holiday that most men are forced to participate in; unwillingly I might add.

   The truth is, we, as human beings are easily manipulated into participating in holidays and events that mean nothing in reality. Women, you have to understand that men generally participate in this day ONLY because they do not want to hear the drama or be accused of being cheap or unaffectionate or not caring enough. Women, this is a selfish way to behave. Not to mention that such an event actually makes the occasion of gift giving or love sharing less unique and meaningful. How special can this day really be if everyone all over the world is doing the same exact thing only because society said so? Is it not more meaningful to make the effort to show love in a way you choose, when YOU or your SPOUSE chooses to. Why make it this ridiculous chore.

   The same goes for anniversaries. Now, it is nice to remember the day that you and your husband got married, or shared a first event together. However, expecting gifts, flowers, dinner, etc. on this day every year for the rest of ones life is unreasonable. Life is not about what material object can be provided on a certain day to make a person feel special. It is about remembering the event in a positive light and being thankful to God for allowing this person to be in your life.

   What starts off as an innocent celebration soon turns into an unrealistic expectation. Let’s say this year, your husband and yourself go out to a nice Italian restaurant and you exchange gifts. Next year, the expectation will be bigger, may be a nice restaurant with bigger gifts. Then, let’s say the 3rd year, your husband forgets the anniversary; now, there is a sense of betrayal. “How could he forget our anniversary” will run through the mind of most women. In turn, this leads to an argument and the whole meaning of this day is swallowed whole in anger and unrealistic expectations. Do not put so much emphasis on expecting something for an anniversary. Enjoy the day with a smile, a hug, a kiss, and talk about the day’s significance. And, then, if you feel that you want to celebrate in a more traditional light, do so, but don’t make it an annual ritual just because that is what everyone else is doing.

   As a woman who is in love with a strong and loving man, I can tell you this; Valentines Day, anniversaries, and so on do not dictate our relationship to us. Why? Because everyday with Malik is a special day filled with love, respect and warmth. For us, the importance of our relationship is emphasized with a cup of tea made with love, a dinner cooked with care, a warm smile, a sincere thank you, the sharing of cookie or just the peaceful silence of each other.

   Now, I am not saying that Malik and I never enjoy gift giving or special days. Of course we do. However, we do not need a specific day of the year to dictate that to us. We also do not follow an annual ritual for our birthdays, anniversary and other events. When we do share “special” moments it is always random and unexpected. Additionally, we make it a point to not go over the top; we keep it simple filled with characteristics and events dear to us as a couple.

   Now ladies, a separate topic that needs to be addressed; Engagement rings! Ahhhh…the ring! Malik has already done a phenomenal job in explaining to you the history of the ring so I won’t bother to write anymore on that. However, ladies, what is a ring? A piece of metal with a diamond in it that depreciates over time? Yes.

   Who said that a ring is what makes a happy couple? Who said that a ring means that a man loves you anymore that if he didn’t give a ring? Who said that a diamond represents forever; thus making a marriage last forever? Who said that a ring equates to a legal marriage? We all know the answer to these questions yet we still feel the need to pressure our men into buying us these rings of “love” and “eternity.”

   A mans love for you has nothing to do with a metal circle that is placed on a finger. Your worth is not measured by that same metal circle. A mans love for a woman is only measured by the way he treats you, the care he shows you and the respect he gives you. A mans love for a woman is strictly measured by the day to day emotional support and physical fulfillment that he shows you. A mans love is measured in his touch, his smile, his hug, his kiss, his support, his ability to be a good father, his righteous character and his ability to be there for you.

   We as women need to wake up. We need to understand that a man is good when his character is good, when his soul is good, when his heart is good. A good man, a true man, a real man, an honest man cannot be measured by what he provides on a material level. We need to revaluate what society deems as a “good” man and look back into the days of simplicity and humbleness. We need to look into ourselves and understand what truly makes us happy as women. I know for me happiness is attached to Malik. In my eyes, that happiness comes from a strong, intelligent, sincere, righteous and supportive man who is an exceptional husband and is going to be an exceptional father.

III. Conclusion:

Although I’ve only been married for over year, I have a lot of relationship experiences and talked to a lot of married men and women on their experiences. One of the things that really sent the light bulb off in my head was talking to a lot of married and soon-to-be married men/women right out of college. No matter where I was in the world, I took to time to talk to married men and women about their marriage. The problems that they were talking about, were no different that the problems that I had in my relationships. The only difference is they had kids, a mortgage, and a legal contract, binding them together. Let me be honest, a lot of these guys/gals felt dejected and defeated. They made some big mistakes and had unrealistic expectations about married life and what it would be like. I would say to myself, “How is it that I’m in my twenties, just starting life out, and I can identify with this older man in his 50s who’s been married for 20+ years, has 3 kids, a dog, white picket fence, etc. The problem was, is there are tons of these women/men who feel this way. I would just sit and listen during lunch, and hear horror story after horror story. One argument after another, one inconsiderate act after another, one unrealistic expectation after another. At an early age I could trade war stories with them and it troubled me. I could not believe that I was suffering from the same problems in my relationships. The same feelings of resentment, powerlessness, and hopelessness gripped them every night they went home. Unfortunately, that was how a lot of my relationships played out as I got older and older.

I realized that the problems that a lot of people see in their marriages started way before they even got married. They never addressed their past issues and like luggage, just carried it into the next relationship. Like a boulder rolling down a hill, it just accumulates more and more causing more destruction in its path. Some people feel marriage and kids will some how be the elixir to all the ills of the relationship. Don’t believe the hype, there are many who thought so, and have been disappointed. I have concocted a simple list that offer a soothing environment (in my view) for many relationships, and will at least offer a bit more stability in today’s marriages. Considering we aren’t seeing a decline in the national divorce rate, my opinion is a good as anyone else out there.

1. Be Humble/ModestHere are several definitions: Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.

   Whether by choice or necessity, be humble. No matter how pretty or handsome you think you are, or others think you are, no matter how successful or accomplished you think you are, no matter how smart, intelligent, or brilliant you think you are, no matter how wealthy you are and no matter how great you think your race/tribe/culture is, BE HUMBLE!. No one wants to be with an arrogant, prideful, self-absorbed narcissist individual who puts the world last and themselves first. You might think it’s amusing and you might revel every time someone stingingly submits to your whim, but you are not helping anyone by behaving this way. You are only destroying the closes person to you.

   Be appreciative of the physical or spiritual assets that you have been blessed with. Some of us are very fortunate to have the things we have and the best thing we can all do is be appreciative of those gifts. Humility is a beautiful character and is often ignored in a lot of relationships.

2. Set realistic expectations and when you set expectations use some level of logic and reason to come to the conclusion that this is the right expectation.One of the biggest complaints I have heard and seen are people setting unrealistic expectations on each other. What is really fascinating is these expectations are set without using any set of wisdom behind the expectation. It’s important that you consider the other person’s feelings. Now if the person does something that you don’t approve of, berating them into submission is not going to get you any closer to an answer. Sometimes you don’t have to lower your expectation, but a more appropriate term is you have to “change” your expectation.

   We often get into this circular argument of “lower and raising” the expectation. Did you ever think that maybe you had the wrong expectation from the start? Why do we have this superiority complex of whether the expectation is at the right height? And where did you get this expectation from in the first place? In my view, if you don’t have any information to support your expectation, then maybe you should rethink having that expectation? No one is perfect, and as human beings we should know whether our expectation’s can be realistically met. Have the same conversation over and over again is pointless. Either we are going to solve the problem or we are not. Unless someone in the discussion can find common sense reasoning and wisdom behind why they feel the way they do then the argument will be circular

3. Playing follow the so-called “leader”These are destructive or questionable acts that people do, but they do it because everybody else is doing it and it seems like a good idea. It’s important to know why you are doing something and take into account how this something, impacts the other person. Doing something because you feel like doing it, does not mean that it should be done. One thing I’ve noticed is people have a bad habit of doing something because it’s always been that way. Now there’s nothing wrong with following a tradition or pattern of behavior but you should know why you are doing it, and its impact on others.

   As I stated earlier, a lot of traditions we have blindly followed to our own demise. We look around and we are the only one holding the bag wondering “What happened?” It does not have to be this way. Don’t be stubborn. Seek out the reasoning and wisdom behind things. If you are going to put all your energy into a particular tradition or behavior, it’s only right that you seek out the history of that tradition or behavior. Many people, who know me, know that I’m anti-blind tradition. If the act is based on a lie, misinformation, trickery, pagan worship, etc, under no circumstances am I following it. Not to mention from an Islamic perspective, participating in any bidah (innovation) for the sake of anything other than Allah is haram (prohibited). In my view, wisdom and intellect must underscore your decisions. You can see where society has gone when they do things “just cause” with no intellect behind the decision. Verdict: 20% of marriages are considered happy. Running after someone else’s dream and life is not going to make you any happier. What is good for someone else might not be good for you. Pick your choices in life wisely

4. The importance of righteousnessAn often neglected characteristic when people are searching for the love of their life, but seeking out a person who wants to uphold the utmost truth is critical. A person who wavers on the truth for others or themselves is someone who is aspiring to selfishness. Selfishness is the death knell of any relationship. Having a “me” attitude is not cute, it’s actually a very ugly characteristic. Nothing makes someone uglier than being selfish. When you find someone who wants to make sacrifices for the truth, they’ll more than likely make sacrifices for you. For them, the truth is that important.
5. Being genuinely respectful of othersHow many of us say we want to be respected, but don’t really give it out? Do you know how many arguments my wife and have had? 0. Zero. We’ve have discussions but we don’t argue, talk down to each other, never curse at each other, and we definitely don’t use verbal attacks to assassinate each other’s character. If you can’t talk in a calm and controlled voice on a disagreement, then something is wrong. There is no reason to get excited. You put your thoughts on table, I put my thoughts on the table and then we have an intelligent discussion on how to get to a resolution. If we don’t come to a resolution then we wait a day to collect our thoughts, then go back to find a resolution. Every time you violate the regard and esteem of another person, you are not being respectful. By acting in this way you are lowering the quality rung of the relationship. Not only does disrespectful behavior create resentment, but it also positions the other person in a situation where they are dis empowered. Their word does not hold as much value and often can lead to hopelessness and depression.
6. CommunicationWe hear this all the time from some of the biggest and best marriage counselors in the world. Make sure you communicate your feelings. Now the only way you can achieve number 6, is if you do 1 through 5. You will not be able to communicate with someone if you are missing 1 through 5. 1 through 5 has to underscore the way you communicate. If you do 1 through 5, you’ll be able to communicate effectively with your spouse. Very simple.
7. Dealing in self-deception and escapismYet another destructive blow, and probably one of the most dangerous characteristics of any relationship, is denial. Denying that maybe you need to change a couple things, or denying that maybe the person you’re with might have some good intentions behind why they want you to change some things for the better or denying that you need to remove yourself from a destructive relationship. (sorry, run on sentence) Once the self-deception has kicked into full throttle, then the next thing a person does is escapism.

   Now rather than dealing with why they might be struggling to find the “right” one, many people escape into cognitive dissonance. Escapism is a result of self-deception and denial. Some of us may be too quick to use the word “hatin”. As if someone offering constructive criticism is somewhat dealing in jealousy or as the word is used contemporarily, “hatin”. I think in some instances, many of us maybe dealing with a bit of self-deception. By denying the obvious, we accuse others of simply being jealous of something we have. It can be money, status in life, material things, beauty/handsomeness, intelligence, or some other facet of our life. Unfortunately we can’t control how others perceive our behavior, actions, and existence. The best things we can do, is be true to ourselves and that is a bigger and better question. Are we really acting, behaving, and dealing with people on a day-to-day basis in a truthful and reverent manner?

   I’ve seen too many people deal in self-deception for years upon years, only to live a very lonely, secluded and escapist type of life. Is that the purpose of life? I’m right, the world is wrong, so I’ll do what ever I feel like? Can any sensible person really believe in this philosophy?

8. Watch out for the negative “by-myself” meetingGleaned from the words of Cappadonna, the full quote is “every evening I have a by-myself meeting”. Simply it’s a matter of pondering with the thoughts of your conscious to come to a proper conclusion on a particular matter. Now in the context of this relationship post, the negative “by myself” meeting is a conversation that you have with yourself, where you deceive yourself into believing that you are correct on how you are dealing with a particular matter, but you are actually incorrect.

   As human beings, we have these “by-myself” meetings all the time. Normally we take our own personal experiences, pieces of conversations, outside advice and try to come to a conclusion on what to do. Unfortunately our egos can block proper resolve, and rather then getting to the right answer, we fall into a defensive pose of circular arguments (like a dog running after it’s tail). Not realizing that we are spinning around in the same circle over and over, we can miss an opportunity to resolve a particular issue. Be very careful of the negative “by-myself” meeting, it can lead to denying the obvious while encouraging anti-intellectualism and poor judgment.

9. Keep things simpleOne of the biggest gifts that Sarah and I have is we are very simple people. We occasionally do things, but we spend a lot of time at home. Remember what I said earlier, that seeing my wife every day was an anniversary. I wasn’t saying that just to say that. Every single day I can’t wait to come home to my wife. The home
   should be a place of tranquility and peace. The outside world is a stressful place. After we all come home from a hard day’s work, whether you are a woman or a man, the last thing you want, is to come home to a stressful household. Try making the home a place of relaxation. Behind every good man can be good woman, and behind every good woman can be a good man. I truly believe that. We don’t have to be control freaks, we don’t have to be overbearing, we don’t have to be inconsiderate, and we don’t have to be stressed out because of the minutia of life. We actually have the power to simplify things and enjoy life. Life is too short to continue imposing our will on each other. Be patient and enjoy the simplicities of life with your spouse. Thanks for reading and I wish you all well in your future relationships.

Welcome to Part II of “What’s eating Malik?” series. If you want to view Part I, (The Politics of Food Consumption and Production), feel free. Before I get started, I want to say that this post is an exploration in interrogating the worlds norms. I have many close friends that are in the music business. Some are DJs, rappers, singers, musicians, performers, poets etc. In no way is this trying to take away those efforts or the efforts of past artists. I realize that music is inextricably tied into many facets of our society, but it does not mean we have to keep it that way.

So what spawned this post has to do with a lecture that I was listening to by Dr. Bilal Philips on the ruling of music in Islam (yes for those who don’t know me I’m Muslim). Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this post is not an attempt to offer some type of fatwa (religious ruling) on music. I am no Islamic scholar or neuroscience music specialist. The point of this post is to offer out-of-the box critique of the current state of music and its impact on society. Okay, back to the post…

So to my surprise I found out that most forms of music in Islam is prohibited. Yes, even the more so-called “cleaner” and “educational” parts of the music. Trust me, I was heart-broken. No more Immortal Technique, no more Wu-tang Clan, no more John Coltrane, no more Fela Kuti, no more Beatles, no more X-Clan, no more Sam Cooke, no more Burning Spear, no more Bob Marley, no more KRS-One the list goes on, and not even Gospel music. So I’m sure you are asking yourself, Why? I asked myself the same question. I just could not believe that the 25+ years that I have spent listening to music, which in my view had inspired so much progressive thinking was prohibited. Not to mention the countless relationships/friendships that I’ve built because I had a shared interest in music with others. I was like..damn…would I still know Mr. Wizard, my boy Clarence from Florida,Adisa Banjoko, etc. Too many people to mention.

So I spent a lot of time researching the reasons why most forms of music is prohibited in Islam. Now, as a Muslim of logic and reason, it’s actually quite easy to understand why Islam prohibits most forms of music. If anyone is interested in listening to the lecture that was the catalyst for this post, click below:

Although Dr. Bilal Phillips gave a very compelling and satisfying argument for the prohibition of most forms of music, not to mention other scholars, I had to take it a step further. I wanted to play, as they say “devil’s advocate”, and look at the end result of societies foray into accepting music as a ritual that is seen as merely a tradition of leisure, hobby, pleasure, and today a business, which generated $11 billion dollars in 2006.

So my first step was to go back hundreds, if not thousand of years into the origins of music and its sole purpose. Now thousands of years ago we did not have the sophisticated technological distribution system, advanced musical instruments and billion dollar marketing system, so obviously music had a different form and purpose then. If you compare what was “music”, 50,000 years ago and what music is today, we are not just talking apples and oranges here, we are talking about apples and an anvil. Two completely distinct sounds. So for the most part “music” served more communal purposes for small groups. In some instances music was used for mating rituals, to sound the alarm when there was a threat, and for various celebratory rituals and spiritual practices. There were small distinct communities partaking in different sets of musical practices with a purpose, mostly spiritual and to create social cohesion. There are lots of theories and claims to the purpose of music during/after the pre-historic era. For Darwin he believes music ties into his theory of natural selection and sexual selection:

This is Your Brain on Music, Darwin’s theory of sexual selection, Pg 251

Might music play a role in sexual selection? Darwin thought so. In The Descent of Man he wrote, “I conclude that musical notes and rhythm were first acquired by the male or female progenitors of mankind for the sake of charming the opposite sex. Thus musical tones became firmly associated with some of the strongest passions an animal is capable of feeling, and are consequently used instinctively….” In seeking mates, our innate drive is to find-either consciously or unconsciously-someone who is biologically and sexually fit, someone who will provide us with children who are likely to be healthy and able to attract mates of their own. Music may indicate biological and sexual fitness, serving to attract mates.

Hmm….well if you look at the practices of some of the most ancient tribes today, music does play a role in mating rituals, but not always. There are dozens of other roles that music takes on, and it’s not necessarily connected to anything sexual. If you study some of the oldest forms of music which undoubtedly goes to the Native Americans and Africans, you clearly see the diverse array of roles that music plays in the community. I’m not here to argue what came first, was it sexual or was it spiritual? You can decide for yourself. Theories abound but there is no finality amongst the professional music theorists on the first initial purpose of music.

So clearly the sound, cost, purpose, and distribution of music has changed since 50,000 years ago and this is where the true cost of music begins. In my view (also from the research I’ve done), there are 4 main reasons why music has so much appeal:

1. Obviously there is the evolutionary/genetic code of music that has been passed down from generation to generation. From the womb, our mothers have been singing us to sleep and those musical practices of our ancestors is obviously going to find it’s way into our day-to-day lives.
   What is music? Pg 6
   http://whatismusic.info/chapters/whatismusic-2-what-is-music.pdf

   Some changes may have resulted from genetic changes that had only a very marginal effect on reproductive success. There is a certain probability that some changes will become permanent even though they have no effect or even a slightly negative effect on reproductive success. This can happen particularly if a species is occasionally reduced to a very small population, or if a new species evolves from a very small sub-population of its ancestor species

   This is Your Brain on Music, Infants and music, pg 252

   Mother-infant interactions involving music almost entail both singing and rhythmic movement, such as rocking or caressing. This appears to be culturally universal. During the first six months or so of life, as I showed in Chapter 7, the infant brain is unable to clearly distinguish, the source of sensory inputs, vision, hearing, and touch meld into a unitary perceptual representation. The regions of the brain that will eventually become the auditory cortex, the sensory cortex, and the visual cortex are functionally undifferentiated, and inputs from the various sensory receptors may connect to many different parts of the brain, pending pruning that will occur later in life. As Simon Baron-Cohen has described it, will all this sensory cross talk, the infant lives in a state of complete psychedelic splendor (without the aid of drugs).

2. When music is played, there are areas of the brain that create emotional and pleasurable experiences for us. Many times these moods can be tied to memorable experiences. The equivalent of what most would say is a “good mood” or a “great time”.
   
   This is Your Brain on Music, The pleasure principle, pg 167

   Music works because we remember the tones we have just heard are relating them to the ones that are now just being played. Those groups of tones-phrases-might come up later in the piece in a variation or transposition that tickles our memory system at the same time as it activates our emotional centers. In the past ten years, neuro-scientists have shown how intimately related to our memory system is with our emotional system.

   This is Your Brain on Music, Yay, I got my Dopamine fix, pg 191

   The rewarding and reinforcing aspects of listening to music seem then, to be mediated by increasing dopamine levels in the nucleus accumbens, and by the cerebellum’s contribution to regulating emotion through it’s connections to the frontal lobe and the limbic system. Current neuropsychological theories associate positive mood and affect with increased dopamine levels, one of the reasons that many of the new antidepressants act on the dopaminergic system. Music is clearly a means for improving people’s moods. Now we think we know why

3. The technology and sophisticated production of music is so advanced that creators of music can now exploit certain sounds that appeal to the pleasurable parts of the brain.
   
   This is Your Brain on Music, Brainy music, pg 107

   Our Brains use cues about the spectrum of the sound and the type of echoes to tell us about the auditory world around us, much as a mouse uses his whiskers to know about the physical world around him. Recording engineers have learned to mimic those cues to imbue recordings with a real-world, lifelike quality even when they’re made in sterile recording studios.

   There is a related reason why so many of us are attracted to recorded music these days-and especially now that personal music players are common and people are listening to headphones a lot. Recording engineers and musician shave learned to create special effects that tickle our brains by exploiting neural circuits that evolved to discern important features of our auditory environment. These special effects are similar in principle to 3-D art, motion pictures, or visual illusions, none of which has been around long enough for our brains to have evolved special mechanisms to perceive them; rather, they leverage perceptual systems that are in place to accomplish other things. Because they use these neural circuits in novel ways, we find them especially interesting. The same is true of the way that modern recordings are made.

   If you think the music industry is not hip to the impact on how music impacts the brain, check this note worthy piece of information:

   This is Your Brain on Music, EMI and MRI, pg 128

   The research on the development of the first MRI scanners was performed by the British company EMI, financed in large part from their profits on Beatles records, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” might well have been titled “I Want to Scan Your Brain.”.

4. The social, cultural, and community dynamics that has been created from the distribution of music in the last 100 years.
   
   This is Your Brain on Music, Western culture and music, pg 232, 233

   In Western culture in particular, the choice of music has important social consequences. We listen to music that our friends listen to. Particularly when we are young and in search of our identity, we form bonds or social groups with people whom we want to be like, or whom we believe we have something in common with. As a way of externalizing the bond, we dress alike, share activities, and listen to the same music. This ties into the evolutionary idea of music as a vehicle for social bonding and societal cohesion. Music and musical preferences become a mark of personal mood and group identity.

   Also, our brains are developing and forming new connections at an explosive rate throughout adolescence, but this slows down substantially after our teenage years, the formative phase when our neural circuits become structured out of our experiences.

I think one of the first artists I can remember listening to is Bob Marley. I vividly remember songs like “Crazy Baldhead” and “Buffalo Soldier”. I’m actually quite sure that my early introduction to liberation music, set the stage for what would later become an obsession with so-called “conscious” and “underground” hip hop. My early musical exposure was mostly reggae. The music from my generation would come from the era known as the “Golden Era” of hip hop. My favorite artist at the time was KRS-One/Big Daddy Kane/Branubians and later on groups like Wu-tang Clan\Beatnuts.

One of the things that I wondered is why do I have such a connection to hip hop and artist that affiliate themselves with this genre of music? Is it the neo-Afro centricity that I find appealing? Is it the fact that the artists look like me? Is it the fact the message fills in the void of black liberation theology? Does the thump of the drum bring me back to the fate of my ancestors? Not only that, but why is it that music from Beethoven to Rage Against the Machine to Ella Fitzgerald to Howlin Wolf seem to appeal to me?

(out of respect I have removed the name of the artists, but you can just about plug in a whole hosts of artists below that fit the bill)
Eventually, I wondered why am I spending so much money on artists that don’t necessarily have the same views as me? Why do I suspend morals, values, and my personal views on artists, but then say that I aspire to those same views? How is it that I can suspend my judgment, because I agree with some of what the artist is saying and the beat makes me feels good, at least that is what my brain is firing off at the moment. I’m basically paying an artist to make me feel good, not to mention enriching the executives of music industry who are clearly corrupt and have been ripping off artists for dozens of years. Why should I give the green light to such artists as _________, who speaks of many positive and uplifting things but then performs at tours that are sponsored by alcohol companies? Why should I give another dollar to _________ when just like any other capitalist he sells hats for $300 dollars a pop while advertising for luxury gas guzzling car companies? Not very progressive at all. I’m sure many of these artist have done great things for society, but why the mixed message?

Why should I give _________or any other so-called rock group another dollar, when drugs, alcohol and womanizing is par for the course? Why should I spend another dollar on _________, when I know I don’t smoke weed? Why should I give another dollar to _________, when his music still maintains many elements of materialism and braggadocio, when I believe in being modest and maintaining your accomplishments more quietly. As much as I commend _________ for his efforts on pointing out the obvious racism at _________, one of the issues that’s missing in music is consistent accountability. Many say, “oh it’s just entertainment, what’s the big deal?”, but at the same time, regardless of whether it’s entertainment or not, why support something that is not necessarily inline with your views and how you live your life. I realize that I was not holding music to task and I was clearly being a “hypocrite”. Why should I pay the music industry money to prove that I’m a hypocrite?

Clearly music is not “just entertainment”. It has a very strong influence on the mind, our behavior and our actions. I don’t say so, but science says so. Why should I spend another dollar on _________ when he’s been advertising for Hennessey for years? Why should some over-priced symphony get another dollar of my money when some child in Africa is starving to death? Why should I spend another dollar on the music industry when they have used the drum as a distraction? What is the significance of ________ being a musical genius, or _________ a great saxophonist, or _________ or _________ being a great rapper, or ________ being a great musician? I wonder how many DJs know where the artists are from Stax Records and see if they are doing alright considering how many samples they used from these artists? Many of them, poor and forgotten souls.

What does any of this have to do with the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa or the fact that the people are dying from HIV in the United States at an alarming rate? How many people at concerts from progressive artists actually spend time with the youth to help them become better human beings and leaders? How many people at a ________ concert actually went out of their way to give as much money to a charity as they did to ________ or ________? How much charity are these artists doing anyway? Don’t I have a right to know since I’m helping to pay their mortgages, luxury cars, plush lifestyle, not to mention the tuition fees of their children for many of these artists, record executives? So what’s my ROI (Return on Investment) music industry? What have you done with my money? I’m happy to say that I will not drop another dime in the music industry. In too many instances, one big illusion of regurgitated concepts that’s packaged in different ways, so that it resonates with different audiences. For the amount of money and time that is poured into this industry, shouldn’t there be more than just memorable experiences (neural and physical)?

So I did some numbers crunching on how much money and time that I’ve spent on music. I’d say I own about 700 albums. This includes vinyl, tapes, and cds. I think a fair price is about $15 dollars a cd, $10 dollars a tape, and about $7 dollars for vinyl. Now these are rough estimates and I’m taking the mean cost between when I started buying music (1991).

500 (cds), 150 (tapes), 50 (vinyl)

So here are the numbers:
$7500 (cd), $1500 (tapes), $350 (vinyl), Total: $9350

Now you might say, we’ll that’s not too bad over 15 years, but lets continue…

Now some of you have more/less music and spent more/less time than me on music and music related activities. You should do this exercise at home and try to calculate the cost. So now, let’s go to the statisticians and see how much the world spends on music and concerts.

check these impressive 2007 numbers:
Bon Jovi topped the list with a gross of $56.3 million, followed by Bruce Springsteen, with $40.8 million, and Van Halen, with $36.8 million.

In addition to rock and pop, country acts placed high on the Pollstar list. Kenny Chesney is No. 4, with $35.3 million; Rascal Flatts No. 8, with $25.4 million; and the bill of Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood grossed $18.5 million to reach No. 11. With the exception of Kanye West (No. 6, with $31.6 million) and the Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige tour (No. 7, $30.7 million), hip-hop is largely absent.

More numbers:

The Police reunion trek led all tours in 2007 with a gross that has passed $212 million and is still climbing. The global tour few thought would ever happen moved more than 1.8 million tickets, according to Billboard Boxscore, prior to the Boxscore cutoff date of Nov. 13

Keep in mind that these numbers do not include sales of food/alcohol/memorabilia. These numbers are truly staggering. Now I have not included the concerts fees, drinks/food I bought at the concert, after concert food outing fees, memorabilia, and the most valuable asset, TIME. The time for searching for tickets, time spent calling people to meet up at a concert, time spent traveling to the venue, time spent going to a club to listen to music, time spent attending the club while listening to music, time spent listening to music while I was idle, time spent searching for music at the record store or nowadays downloading mp3s, time spent traveling to the record store, then back home, time spent watching music videos, etc etc. Time spent talking to friends about the music we just listened to. As you can see a big chunk of your day is taking up by music and music related activates, not to mention your disposable income. Now it’s nearly impossible to accurately calculate productivity plus time, but as you see we are not spending our time wisely.

Many of us have attended concerts that go late into the night. I mean if you get to a concert at 10pm and leave at 4am, that’s about 6 hours. Not including travel time. So lets slap on another 2 hours for travel time. That’s 8 hours. 1/3 of entire day! Not to mention that money you spend on tickets and drinks at the venue. Think about how many times you have done that in your life. Whether going to a concert, music festival, or some band at a local bar. How many of us have spent 8 hours learning how to eradicate poverty? Or 8 hours on how to help our youth spend their money more wisely? Or 8 hours mentoring a child? Or 8 hours at a hospital helping the elderly? Or 8 hours feeding the poor? Or 8 hours on how we can fix the environment? Or 8 hours on how we can create universal healthcare for this country? Or 8 hours learning on how to treat people with dignity and respect? Or 8 hours on how to get clean running water to the every human being on this planet? Or 8 hours learning how to love each other without using racism, classism, tribalism or arrogance in our heart? Or 8 hours understanding the complexities of our political process, lobbyist, and how it relates to political power? Or 8 hours on the relationship between excessive western consumerism and the subjugation of economies in developing countries? How many of us have spent 10 thousand dollars or more in 15 years on the causes I just mentioned?

How is it that our desire for music and enjoyment is so strong, that are negligence towards humanity does not even enter our minds long enough that we want to take serious action? Are we so bereft of compassion, pro-activism, and awareness that the culture of music pre-occupies our time , mind and efforts more so than some of the most basic needs of society?

How ironic are these lyrics by Lauryn Hill:
Music is supposed to inspire
How come we ain’t getting no higher?
Now tell me your philosophy
On exactly what an artist should be

These are the questions I eventually asked myself which led me to write this blog post. Now when you add up my music cost, time cost, cost of alcohol/food I spent at venues where there was music, the number easily jumps up to $20,000 to $30,000 dollars over 15 years. Many people don’t even have that type of cash in their bank accounts. I have not even added the value of that money, if I invested the money. So lets take the lower cost range. Let’s say I took $20K and invested it over 15 years in a REIT (Real Estate Investment Trust) and received a return of 8%. That’s roughly 1,333 a year. That value is about 42K.

So if we multiply this number times half of the American population, the number is this:
6,300,000,000,000. Yes that 6 trillion dollars over 15 years! We haven’t even taken into account global music sales. Keep in mind that these are rough estimates, but think about how much we could have accomplished with that wealth? Are we prepared to spend trillions and trillions more in the next 15 years when the US deficit is 9 trillion dollars? Are we prepared to continue this with the abhorrent amount of poverty that exists in this nation and around the world? Does society love music that much?

For most people the idea of changing their music habits brings about a feeling of dread, uncomfortableness and even disbelief that I might as well have said, “How about not breathing for 30 minutes?” Ask yourself, why do you feel that way? A bigger question is to look deeply at “Why do we do the things we do?” Are we aware of how our behavior impacts the world around us? Why do I have such an attachment to music? What is the root of our desires and the true intentions behind our actions?

This blog post is rife with rhetorical questions, because you can only get to your true intentions by interrogating your personal sensibilities. Most people don’t, because they are afraid of revealing who they truly are and the social blow-back of going against “societal norms”. To be honest, I think there is a level of self-deception going on that has not been addressed yet. Modern music is not the only cultural phenomenon that is worthy of questioning. There are many things in this world that need a serious level of questioning and are worthy of re-evaluation. Life is not as simple as it may seem, but can also be less complicated.

If you are reading this, you probably got farther than most people. Knowledge is earned, not given. Some will discount this lengthy blog as yet another diatribe, call me a lunatic/insane, try to discredit me, while others will be more open-minded about questioning the world around them. We don’t have to be cynical anymore. We have all the information we need to make the right decisions for the betterment of ourselves and others. I know this may sound like a “kumbaya” moment, but its not. That is what the cynics would say, and I am no cynic. I’m a man of conviction, honesty, and genuine about surfacing the best parts of what humanity has to offer. As human beings we still have not reached our highest potential and we have yet to put in place the proper tools to get there. I wish you well on your next life journey.

• This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession by Daniel J. Levitin
• Ishmael: An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit by Daniel Quinn
• The Secret History of the American Empire: The Truth About Economic Hit Men, Jackals, and How to Change the World by John Perkins
• Creating a World Without Poverty: Social Business and the Future of Capitalism by Muhammad Yunus
• The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto

Throwback: This post was written in November of 2006 and I decided to resurface it on the front page as a reminder that “buyer beware”. In these very uncertain economic times we need to be reminded how these corporations have tried to control our mind and buying patterns since the inception of mass media marketing and the study of consumer psychology.

Url: http://www.whyihatethejoneses.com/2006/11/slave-fashion-dominatrix-prices/

I wish I was the one who actually came up with this subject line, but I wasn’t and it’s related to this current post. The topic of this post is something I’ve been meaning to post for a couple weeks now. I actually read this promo on the 1 Train tonight one stop before my stop in the Bronx (231st Street). The full promo is “Slave to Fashion Dominatrix to Prices”. It was created by the discount fashion store Daffys. It was a poster ad on the train. Black background, bold yellow lettering with DAFFYs at the bottom in smaller font.

So what’s the significance of Daffy’s and this post? Mainly to bring light to the power of corporate marketing and peoples behavior. Another reason is to highlight a really eye opening documentary I saw called the Corporation. It is Canadian produced documentary that delves into the nature, history, meteoric rise of the entity we now know as the corporation. I’m not going to delve to deep into the documentary but I will state one significant fact.

Fact: When a set of scientists characterized the behavior of most corporations using actual diagnostic criteria of the World Health Organization and the DSM-IV, the standard diagnostic tool of psychiatrists and psychologists the came up with one defining behavior and the behavior was that of a psychopath.

Yes folks a psychopath. Now this is not a scare tactic, but more of an attempt to open our eyes to understand who we really are. This is a chance to think within and try to really understand who you are. Are you really who you think you are? Or are we just a jumble of neurotic impulses trained to the needs of various sorts of marketing and corporate agendas? Who are we really? Think about the clothes you wear? Your religion of choice? Or maybe the reason for not becoming part of what many consider organized religion? Your job and occupation of choice? The foods you eat? The person you chose as a wife? Husband? Boyfrend? Girfriend, etc. How about the traditions you choose to participate in? Think about where your motivation comes from to participate in certain cultures and patterns of behavior? Do you worship the traditions, mannerisms, and lifestyle of so-called “dominant cultures” or do you appreciate your own indigenous and ancient roots? What about the music you buy, and the lifestyle you choose to participate in? Have you ever asked yourself..What are my true intentions behind this act?

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and asked me “Yo, why don’t you drink alcohol?”. I said, “We’ll, why do you drink alcohol?” He said because it makes me feel good and relaxed. I said, well NOT drinking alcohol makes me feel good and relaxed too so we have something in common. He gave me a baffled look. Keep in mind that me and my boy feel exactly the same, yet the outcome for my boy is maybe $50 dollars less in his pocket after a long night of drinking, a brain soaked in a depressive stimulant, and headache the next day. Same feeling, different outcome. Why can’t we think outside of the box of what Budweiser, Remy, and Courvoisier or any other corporation tells us to be? We have the power to choose outside of what corporations impose on us. Don’t be afraid to step outside of what any other so-called “civilized” culture tells you to be. You always had the power to choose, but the corporations, political organizations, spiritual hijackers and countless other blind followers would have you believe otherwise. You are not sheep. Don’t be afraid to choose the traditions and concepts that encourage proper development of self. A sound and conscious mind is a never-ending journey and a battle worth fighting for.

“That’s the information, you can either take it and be intelligent or you
can throw it away and be retarded.” – Sista Souljah

Other links and Related information:

Look at the nice Puritans feeding the Native Americans. Of course, this is exactly how it happened.

I decided to do something a little different this year and gave a speech to my family and friends on the realities of thanksgiving (after the feast of course). I also read an article by John Burrows from CWIS. The link for the full history of events leading up to thankgiving as well as a description of the REAL Thanksgiving is below my speech. Read below:

—-start TG commentary—

My purpose today was not to taint the mood or bring a damper to the nature of thanksgiving, but to explain thanksgiving and put it in an accurate light. What I ask of you today, is not to completely remove thanks giving from your world, but to understand what you are celebrating which is a period of time that represents one of the largest and most bloodiest genocides in America’s history. I always wondered why I never saw Indians participate in Thanks giving.

You see million dollar parades, no Indians, no commercials of different tribes celebrating or honoring thanksgiving, which led me to dig out the history of this day. We have this day that is supposed to celebrate the giving that occurred between the Pilgrims and the Indians, yet no Indians seem to be included into the celebration of this day. How strange? Should we celebrate Happy Auschwitz-Birkenau Day? For those who are not familiar with the Auschwitz-Birkenau Germany, it was the area where the largest numbers of European Jews were killed during the Holocaust as mass gassing took place, using Zyklon-B in the death camps. How would the Jews respond to something so slanderous? Could we all move forward with such a day if the Jews and Germans had a brief moment in history where they were civil amongst each other, which I’m sure occurred before the elitist and racist campaign of Adolf Hitler? Should we celebrate Happy Atlantic Slave Traders Day, because the Europeans who first met the Africans in Africa had a business relationship when they met? There was a moment when Africans sold a small number of Africans to Europeans and these slaves were mostly used for domestic purposes by Africans. Would we encourage such a day because what started out as a small business relationship led to millions of Africans being enslaved, slaughtered, raped, and killed for 400 years, while systematically stripping these same Africans of their culture and religion?

I understand that today serves as moment for families to spend time with each other, but we cannot allow this level of misinformation to continue as we take for granted the Native Americans who have been pillaged and plundered into extinction. This is a wrong that needs to be corrected. Keep in mind that Thanks giving stands for “giving” to those who do not have as the Indians did when they fed and taught the Puritans how to survive and live off the land when they were almost dead. Thanks giving should be a time that we give to the less fortunate as well as individuals that are on the fringes of our society. How thanks giving became a time that families get together to partake in a gluttonous and celebratory routine of consuming massive amounts of food during a period of time where the Native Americans had their land stolen and then were killed during that process is quite remarkable. I wish you well on this day, and I hope this moment has served you as a turning point in your understanding of this day. Thank you for being patient and listening to my speech.

—-end TG commentary—